sharing

A perspective from the 1940′s

Dear Bernice The other night I could not sleep as I was so full of anger and frustration. I wondered if it was anything to do with being an only child and I looked on the internet to see if there was anything about it there. I found your site, amongst others, and was amazed at the similar experiences of only children and their partners, especially the dealing with conflict part. I am an only child, now in my seventies My parents married young and parted when I was born, not at that time because they did not get on but because of my father joining the RAF. Apparently he was in a reserved occupation and only joined up when there was an announcement for volunteers by young men (even if they were in reserved occupations) to join the Air Force if they were in reserved occupations. My father immediately volunteered and became a pilot. My mother was apparently not impressed with [...]

Read more…

Do only child adults fit the stereotype of ‘selfish’?

I have written about the so called only child  trait of ‘selfish’ before, linked to the difficulties only child adults find in sharing, and the age old problem of the only child stereotype which depicts only children as spoilt and therefore selfish.  I thought now is a good time  to look at this particular stereotype more closely. Firstly, I believe, the reason why only children are often accused of being selfish is because they do not learn ‘how’ to share from an early age. Parents will share with them but this is often a one way process: the parents give – the child takes.  In the post What should I do, I comment on the need for parents to learn to share decision making, in order to model this way of behaving to their child. Having siblings, enables children to learn the importance of not always going first. Only children do not have this experience of being last or having another child go first. Some parents actively give too much to their [...]

Read more…

What should I do?

I am a single parent to a wonderful ‘only’ boy. He is 5 years old and I naturally think he is a genius, as most mothers do. I have read some of your posts, I appreciate the varied topics and I plan on reading more. My son and I recently moved across country for a new job and I do not have a large network of friends, especially those with children his age. He has been in daycare since the age of 10 months old and has always been around other children at daycare and now school. His Kindergarten teacher recently stated: “He needs to listen to his friends before he goes ahead with his own agenda. His actions can sometimes be viewed as disrespectful by his peers.” This has me a little concerned. He is not a mean child, nor is he aggressive, however, this leads me to believe [...]

Read more…

Sharing or Taking?

I am continuing to look at that thorny subject of sharing and I was particularly pleased to receive thoughts from various people after my article on ‘Do only children know how to share?’ I have incorporated these ideas  with some of my own to take the discussion further. In my experience it is often true that as Kei says: ‘while only children are less inclined towards “sharing”, we are much more sensitive and opposed to “taking.”’ As an only-child I would not have dreamed of taking my parent things without asking – I would expect that is true of most children. However when my own children were growing up I found it surprising how often they took each other’s things – and often mine now I think about it! When I remarried (another only child) his biggest difficulty was the way he saw my children helping themselves to his cd’s, [...]

Read more…

Do only children know how to share?

Lets face it – this is something that only children are often accused of being bad at! But is it true? – To a certain extent it probably is. If we look at when and how we learn to share – this is done as children, usually in the family home. When there are siblings, it is one of the important processes siblings learn to deal with: learning to share toys, games, food, treats etc. It is a very different process for the only child learning to share with a parent. Parents’ are much more likely to be indulgent. They are not going to make a fuss if they don’t get the cherry on the top or the larger piece of cake. Having said that, some parents of an only child are very mindful of these things. However  it is still not the same as sharing with a vociferous older [...]

Read more…

Did being an only child affect your parenting?

Email: I was curious to know if you happened to have any children of your own. If so, do you think that being an only child affected how you could relate to them as a parent? My mom says that certain traits she possessed as a child differed from mine because of our birth orders. She was the youngest of many kids, but I was the only one, and sharing is something I sometimes struggle with. Thanks! Bernice’s Response: Yes I have two children! I had one initially and then realsing I was an only and my husband was an only  my son would have neither siblings or cousins which at least we both had- So I decided to have another child very promptly! It was the best decision I ever made because I learn more about sibling interaction from then than I would ever have done otherwise. I have [...]

Read more…

Why do you blame all your problems on not having siblings?

Here is the sort of email I often receive which shows how angry people with siblings can be and as you will see it is a lot to do with envy. Envy of the close relationship some onlies have with their parents and envy of the material benefits. Compounded by the fact that of course not everyone gets on with their siblings!! I can’t believe you feel having no brothers or sisters is the root of all onlies’ problems. What about all the miserable people out their WITH siblings?  What do they blame THEIR childhood/adult issues on? I have a sister and I always envied my cousins who were onlies, and I had quite a few of them. They always had nicer things, seemed closer with their parents, grew up and are doing well and are definitely not “alone in the world” as they are married with kids of their [...]

Read more…