shame

A second child may prove to be a miracle too many…

Here is an article by Kate Brian, whose new book Precious Babies has just been released. Kate Brian is a writer and editor who has written four books about infertility, including The Complete Guide to IVF and The Complete Guide to Female Fertility. She was awarded for her work for Infertility Network UK and has been closely involved with the charity for many years. Kate regularly appears on radio and TV as an expert on fertility and has two children who were born after IVF treatment. Her latest book, Precious Babies, looks at pregnancy, birth and parenting after infertility and includes a chapter specifically aimed at parents who have an only child. Kate Brian: For anyone trying unsuccessfully to conceive, the idea of having one child would be the answer to every dream. When the dream becomes a reality, it can be surprising how quickly the possibility of trying again [...]

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Life Stages: Early School Years

In my previous post we saw that having well attuned parents in early childhood and opportunities to mix with other children, can ensure the only child will not be at a disadvantage in social and psychological development. This continues to be true once a child begins school as they will be able to continue to develop trust and autonomy from the first life-stage as well as initiative and industry as they grow older. Whilst children with siblings have learned a good deal of interaction with each other; optimally only children will also have been given similar opportunities. However recent research has estimated that on average siblings spend about 33% of their free time with a sibling (Time Magazine 2006) which the article states is considerable more time than they spend with either parents, friends, and teachers or even alone. As a sibling they have acted as playmate, collaborator, co-conspirator, tormentor, [...]

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Being judged for being an only child

I used to get really fed up of people assuming I must be spoilt because of being an only child. I did feel it was looked on as a bad thing to be even though it was not my choice to be an only and I actually felt lonely sometimes and wanted a brother or sister (I told my mother this many times and finally gave up asking for one at about the age of 12). I felt judged negatively for something that was not my fault, but I don’t remember anyone judging my parents for it. I also had my mother say I was such hard work, which made me think I was worse than most children. I have three children and was determined not to have only one child. A few years ago someone got very offended because she has only one child by choice and I said [...]

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Adopted male only

It was a comfort somewhat stumbling quite accidental upon your site, having never had encounters with other only children or their experiences, I am a 36 year old father of two great boys now. But still live with the emotional difficulties from not only being an only child, but also being adopted. I have read some literature on the adoption side of things, the feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness of being adopted. But knew being an only child in some way to added to these feeling, now having also seen your site I see that` only children` do also feel this same way and I as an only child share theirs. I have never meet with other only children or adopted people, and now I feel in some way from my lonely childhood that I must take the burden of these feelings and I am now at a stage [...]

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Spoilt or Spoiled: The shame of being an only ©

Therapy Today Vol 17 No 3, 24.02.06 Dr. Bernice Sorensen       Are you an only child? Haven’t you got any brothers or sisters? my heart sinks my stomach turns I fear the next remarks – I expect your mum and dad spoil you – don’t they? I smile wanly what can I say? If I say yes – heads nod knowingly If I say no – eyebrows raise ever so slightly in disbelief I can’t win I say nothing I look down shuffle my shoes feel ashamed. When I wrote these stanzas, reflecting on my experience of growing up an only-child in the 1950’s, I was unaware how significant they would be. My subsequent doctoral research into the experiences of adult only-children exposed issues that revealed a covert level of shame as a central issue which for many only-children led to a shame based personality persisting into adulthood. [...]

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