pressure

When having another child is not an option – yet families are still stereotyped as selfish

I received this email which I think is very heartfelt and I wanted to post it as so often families with only one child are stereotyped as selfish.  I believe that having one child does not mean a child has a worse upbringing, just a different one. Here is the story and my reply below: Sarah’s story Both my husband and I have siblings, I am the middle of three and my husband is the youngest of four. My husband spent most of his childhood alone – his siblings didn’t want to play with the youngest child and he never got new clothes or shoes, always the hand me downs. As the youngest, he also felt he needed to stay at home with his parents, who had started to struggle financially and felt envious that his siblings had been allowed to leave the home without any guilt. I also argued [...]

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Daniel: Breaking the ties of enmeshment (part 3)

In my previous post I looked at how Dawn was able to separate emotionally, physically and financially from her mother. I will now explore Daniel’s experience. He also had problems with psychological separation from both his parents, but in a different way with each, as he fought to retain a sense of self and not be caught in the middle of his parents’ relationship.  Daniel: Caught in the web of enmeshment Daniel is in his forties but has never left home and works for his father in the family business. His father relies on him quite heavily and it is difficult for Daniel to have an adult-to-adult relationship with him as his son. This has made their relationship problematic over the years, particularly after his parents’ divorce. Daniel lives with his mother who is very dependent on him for all sorts of support, and in many ways Daniel has become [...]

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I have 5 children and worry about their relationships’….and wish I had a sibling

Bernice: I received this email which resonated very much with me because ‘watching’ people was something I did from a very young age. I also used to have imaginary conversation with them whilst they were talking to someone else. I was very shy as a child so found it hard just to speak to peers so this was a way of observing conversation with out the necessity of actually taking the risk to enter into it! I was fascinated by large families and yes envied them to some extent mostly the fact they could all play board games together and not like me, playing  on my own. However I am also aware tht as I grew older having a sibling seemed less interesting possibility as I became more ware of some of the advantages, mostly economic, that I benefited from. However when I finally did my research on adult only [...]

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Do you need to separate psychologically from your parents?

Ask yourself the following questions: As an adult when dealing with a parent/s: Do you find it difficult to say ‘No’? Do you feel pressure to keep in contact frequently? Do you feel you have to keep your opinions to yourself? Do you feel angry with a parent but are not sure why? Can you say ‘I am not spending Christmas with you this year?’ and not feel guilty? Do you feel manipulated into doing things? Do you feel more responsible than your friends feel towards their parent’s? Can you hold a different opinion from your parent’s and feel it is accepted? Are you able to go away on holiday?  and not stay in touch? and not feel guilty? Do you rely on their financial support, or gifts (wanted or otherwise)? Are you still living with a parent – is it your choice? Do you feel responsible for you parent’s [...]

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Does anyone else feel guilt and presssure from their parent’s?

I found your website very interesting. I am in my mid thirties and as an only child can relate to many of the issues that were discussed in your research interviews. One thing which I have lived with (and continue to do so) is the guilt and pressure you feel when you are the sole focus of your parents attention. My dad had me when he was in his early forties and I was very much a daddy’s girl, my parents divorced and he died recently. I found that the more ill he became the more distant I became towards him since I found the guilt of trying to live my own life overwhelming and couldn’t stand the pressure of this guilt which was not coming from him but from me. Of course now he is no longer here I feel terrible and wish I could have done things differently. [...]

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I was happy to be an only but now I’m older…

I am 22 years old and my mum is 62 she was nearly 40 when she had me and my dad left us shortly after which is the obvious reason why my mum never had anymore children. When I was younger I was happy enough to be an ‘only’ child I never really thought ‘Oh I wish I had a sister or brother’ but now as I have got older my views have changed. I now wish with all my heart that I had a sister or a brother. All I have in the world is my mother and I am all she has. This puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. Dont get me wrong I love my mum to bits – maybe too much… I worry constantly because she’s older than most of my friends mums. I worry about loosing her and being alone and obviously because [...]

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