loneliness

How having children gave me a new perspective on sibling-relationships

I don’t think it was until I had children that I fully began to understand the extent of what I had missed out, both good and bad, on being brought up an only child. Watching my children play, argue, compete as well as ignore each other, I began to get a flavour of what it would be like to have a sibling. I could see having another child around had its own challenges and I also became very aware how children with sibling/s inevitably fight for attention from a parent. However I also realised that whilst they did not always get on at least there was always someone of a close enough age to be alongside with. Okay, this could lead to conflict but on the whole I found they enjoyed each other’s company and relished the times they played together. When conflict did emerge they did not shy away from it like I would have done  - they battled it out, shouting at each other, slamming doors and sometimes trying to make me [...]

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My experience of being an only

Loneliness as a child in relationships in life It also strikes me I feel I have always had to cope There was no-one to share with as a child everything fell on my shoulders. It’s very claustrophobic there wasn’t any way out there wasn’t anywhere to go really trapped in a way I couldn’t bypass them I couldn’t get anywhere without going through either mum or dad I always felt if there’d been two of us it would have been so easy I think it’s affected my confidence in myself I was so isolated it’s narrowed my experience of being a child in the way I feel – I very much lived in an adult world a lost, lonely figure is the image I now see No-one to be a child with It was kind of not feeling met at my own pace and space Not having space to express [...]

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Anyone in the same boat?

I am a male only child and at forty years of age can look back on my life and say it has played a part in at least ninety percent of it. I was married very young had two beautiful daughters but sadly the marriage was rocky, mostly my fault, I left and the work I was in took me to another country. I kept in constant contact with the kids and between my traveling back and they coming over we are very close, but I have an overpowering feeling of guilt at having left them. The girl I’m with now is the love of my life, we tried to have kids but to no success, this is affecting me more than her. My want of children and thinking that without them it cant be a home has threatened our relationship. I can relate to most of your e-mails as [...]

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I have always felt lonely and different

I was born in 1937, an only child of a very possessive mother, and a henpecked father. Both parents’ professional people, so from the age of five I was a ‘latchkey child’. I had to cook my father’s supper at the age of 11 years, as mother did not arrive home until late in the evening. Although I had school friends, I suffered terrible loneliness at weekends and evenings. I always thought that I was adopted, as my mother never once showed me any affection, and my father was very official towards me. I married and had 2 children (I was determined not to have just one). I had to divorce after 31years of marriage because of a violent and abusive husband. I had no brothers or sisters to support me, and I became even more isolated. I am now a pensioner on my own, caring for my now 94yrs [...]

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Do all onlies feel desperate for a sibling?

I don’t know whether it is common desire in ‘onlies’, but I was desperate for a brother or sister and this feeling only seemed to intensify as I grew older. It is only now in my early thirties that I am finding some self-acceptance about not having brothers and sisters. I do admit to still having a slight envy at ‘big’ families; siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews. In fact, even as I write I feel that tinge of sadness about the fact that I will never have a brother or a sister. I will never have that experience of a shared childhood and the knowledge that someone knows your past. It was definitely a grieving process for me, going through the painful feelings of loss and loneliness to finally accepting what I have here in this life. Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit Share with [...]

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Adopted male only

It was a comfort somewhat stumbling quite accidental upon your site, having never had encounters with other only children or their experiences, I am a 36 year old father of two great boys now. But still live with the emotional difficulties from not only being an only child, but also being adopted. I have read some literature on the adoption side of things, the feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness of being adopted. But knew being an only child in some way to added to these feeling, now having also seen your site I see that` only children` do also feel this same way and I as an only child share theirs. I have never meet with other only children or adopted people, and now I feel in some way from my lonely childhood that I must take the burden of these feelings and I am now at a stage [...]

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I’d like to make contact wiht a surrogate sibling…

An Australian living in France I would very much like to make contact with a surrogate brother and/or sister. I desperately feel the need to communicate with someone who has traversed the same road. I am a 61 year old only “child”. I have hated it all my life, always being the odd one out with no brother or sister. My father was an only child too, and I have never been able to find out why I was also doomed to this solitary life. I find that I STILL have to explain to people that I don’t have any siblings and I STILL get the same looks of incomprehension and distrust that I first noticed at primary school. I get the feeling that they think it is my fault that I have to live like this. At primary school I used to hear other kids say that ” my [...]

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I read ‘Spoilt or Spoiled’ and was moved to share my story

I’ve just read the article ‘Spoilt or spoiled’ in Therapy Today (April 2006) and felt moved to relate my own story. My only-child experience came about through being an illegitimate child born in the 1950’s. Placed in children’s home for the next 9 months or so certainly destroyed any hopes of a secure attachment. Eventually I was adopted, but remained an only child, as my adoptive parents were not able to take on any more children, as I was decreed by the social worker ‘quite a handful.’ Quite a damning label to have. Sadly, both for my adoptive parents and the resultant knock-on effect on myself that the realisation of being unable to have your own children had never been resolved. In fact it remains unresolved to this day and my ‘mother’ refers to the fact that she couldn’t have her own children nearly every time I see her. So, [...]

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Book Review: From Australia

Bernice Sorensen has conducted research into the only-child experience in adulthood. Her research was conducted through interviews with adult only children at various life stages, and also emails to her only-child website. As an only-child I found the book enlightening. A significant aspect of being an only-child, is that your childhood is experienced in isolation. As an adult there are no siblings who have witnessed what you have experienced; and only a minority of people you contact would understand this experience, as only a small proportion of the population are only children For this reason I found the book refreshing, as only-child adults from around the world have had the opportunity to contribute to the research via Sorensen’s website and as a result of reading other ‘onlies’ experiences, I found I am not unusual, but quite normal for an only child. Sorensen is also an only-child, and relates her experience [...]

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