enmeshment

Are parents from large families more likely to be enmeshed with their only child?

I was very happy to receive this email, its always nice to receive positive feedback so I thought I would share it. Despite having several times half written an ‘e’ version of my research, at present my one book is still very expensive which is sadly the case with academic books. My writer refers to a story about “Sofia” which illustrated the importance of witness in an onlies life, meaning an acknowledgment of the experience both positive and negative of growing up as an only child. “Today I was fortunate to read your book “Only-Child Experience and Adulthood”. What a great body of work! One part of the book that stood out most to me was Sofia’s story. You described how she had seen various therapists before, but you were the first to help her see herself in both an objective and subjective way. I can’t assume the birth orders [...]

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Jane: Some thoughts on how to break the ties of enmeshment (part 4)

I am so happy to have found your site. Being able to read the stories of other onlies further helps me to understand my feelings and not feel alone in my struggles. I am an only child to a divorced mom/dad.My mom had poor relationships with her mom/dad/siblings and never dated or remarried. To say that I was and am the focus of her life is an understatement to say the least. I am now 37 years old and this constant battle of trying to exert my independence and live my own life is becoming more and more overwhelming. I have 4 children of my own and need her support but the more support I am given the more enmeshment I feel. My emotions are often confusing for me as I feel grateful and intimate with her but then angry and frustrated too. What advice would you provide for me [...]

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Daniel: Breaking the ties of enmeshment (part 3)

In my previous post I looked at how Dawn was able to separate emotionally, physically and financially from her mother. I will now explore Daniel’s experience. He also had problems with psychological separation from both his parents, but in a different way with each, as he fought to retain a sense of self and not be caught in the middle of his parents’ relationship.  Daniel: Caught in the web of enmeshment Daniel is in his forties but has never left home and works for his father in the family business. His father relies on him quite heavily and it is difficult for Daniel to have an adult-to-adult relationship with him as his son. This has made their relationship problematic over the years, particularly after his parents’ divorce. Daniel lives with his mother who is very dependent on him for all sorts of support, and in many ways Daniel has become [...]

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Parent or Spouse? : Dealing with Conflict and Anger

In my previous post to C, I outlined the consequences that an enmeshed parental relationship can have on both parties. I will continue with this theme and explore the conflict and anger that these types of relationships can lead to and how this can be challenged in a constructive way. Conflict is a normal part of a relationship because we are individuals with different experiences, expectations, hopes and fears. When we are in a close relationship with anyone there will be times when conflict emerges through difference. This is perfectly healthy. It is how it is managed that can create problems. If we take the enmeshed relationship, where both parties feel responsible for the other and no sense of a separate identity has been encouraged, conflict can feel devastating. It is almost as if you are at war with your self. This is because in a sense you are, having [...]

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Bernice responds to “Parent or Spouse” concerning enmeshment and guilt

Dear C,   Thank you for your email, it raises a lot of issues which I will attempt to answer. The four main issues I see are:  Enmeshment, Guilt, Conflict, Anger. However all of the last three are linked specifically to enmeshment so I will look at this first. From your email I think the biggest problem you face is the fact that neither you nor your mother have been able to form an identity separate from each other. This is always more difficult when a ‘family’ consists of only two members. Even in a so called average family of two parents and 2-3 children this can be difficult especially when a parent has not separated emotionally from their own parent or seeks their identity through merging with their child or children. I have written about what I describe as enmeshment between an only child and one or more of [...]

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Do only child adults fit the stereotype of ‘selfish’?

I have written about the so called only child  trait of ‘selfish’ before, linked to the difficulties only child adults find in sharing, and the age old problem of the only child stereotype which depicts only children as spoilt and therefore selfish.  I thought now is a good time  to look at this particular stereotype more closely. Firstly, I believe, the reason why only children are often accused of being selfish is because they do not learn ‘how’ to share from an early age. Parents will share with them but this is often a one way process: the parents give – the child takes.  In the post What should I do, I comment on the need for parents to learn to share decision making, in order to model this way of behaving to their child. Having siblings, enables children to learn the importance of not always going first. Only children do not have this experience of being last or having another child go first. Some parents actively give too much to their [...]

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Relationships: Splitting – difficulties in holding ‘good’ and ‘bad’ simultaneously

One of the behaviours most of us have to learn as we grow up is to hold the good and the bad, whether it be with people, within ourselves or in relationships. ‘Splitting’ is the word usually used when a person is unable to hold both good and bad together in themselves.  What they do instead is accept the good and reject the bad: we only accept what we perceive are the good bits of ourselves and project onto others the bad bits. Similarly with partners we may only accept their ‘good’ parts and and expect them to change their ‘bad ‘parts. Maturity is when we can accept both good and bad in ourselves and others. Here is an example of splitting as an internal defense mechanism:  Jean, an only child, finds it difficult on occasions to bear her anger. When she grew up displaying anger was unacceptable in her family – she was expected to be the ”good girl”.  The reality is she can be nice and also not-so-nice. She can be [...]

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What do I do?

Hello, I’m 28 and an only – my father passed away when I was just shy of 9 years old and to be quite honest he was an abusive drunk. My mom and I have always been a “team”, we’ve always had one another but with age and time I’m finding that I just want a sense of freedom, but suffer tremendous guilt with the thought of “being free” and just enjoying life to the fullest. Every decision I make, I have my mother in mind and feel guilty planning a vacation, shopping for myself, or even having social gatherings without a level of guilt from my mom. Every apartment complex I’ve moved to she generally follows living either within the same building or perhaps a building over. Do you know how sabotaging that is? To not have a guest over when you want, because your parent shows up without [...]

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Why do we expect the world to be fair?

One of the challenges most of us face growing up as an only child, is that we learn to see the world through adult eyes which can led us to expect a level of interaction that puts us at the centre of the life going on around us. At the same time we often have a very ‘positive’ expectation of other peoples’ behaviour. This is not really surprising. Most only children have mature and reasonably responsible parent/s to guide them throughout their early years who do have their best interests at heart. As I have described before, a birth of a sibling gives the opportunity for a child to be ‘dethroned’- that is to have the centrality of our existence in our parent/s eyes taken away with the birth of a sibling. We are no longer the only child in the family, we are now in fact the eldest child [...]

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Why are only children more prone to enmeshment than sibling children?

One-child families have a higher than normal incidence of what is sometimes called ‘emotional incest’, which can lead to an enmeshed relationship. When there is no other child to dilute the intensity of the parent-child bond everything about the only child is watched closely, including their health, physical development, school performance, talents, weaknesses, and achievements to an extent that can be obsessive. Parental enmeshment is more common because there is only one child to focus upon and more detrimental as there is no other child to dilute this attention. The power and intensity of the relationship can be overwhelming and prevent the child from developing a sense of who they are as a separate individual. How does enmeshment occur? Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself.   Enmeshment occurs when a mother or father’s wounded-ness contaminates their ability to parent their child because [...]

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