emotional seperation

Jane: Some thoughts on how to break the ties of enmeshment (part 4)

I am so happy to have found your site. Being able to read the stories of other onlies further helps me to understand my feelings and not feel alone in my struggles. I am an only child to a divorced mom/dad.My mom had poor relationships with her mom/dad/siblings and never dated or remarried. To say that I was and am the focus of her life is an understatement to say the least. I am now 37 years old and this constant battle of trying to exert my independence and live my own life is becoming more and more overwhelming. I have 4 children of my own and need her support but the more support I am given the more enmeshment I feel. My emotions are often confusing for me as I feel grateful and intimate with her but then angry and frustrated too. What advice would you provide for me [...]

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Bernice responds to “Parent or Spouse” concerning enmeshment and guilt

Dear C,   Thank you for your email, it raises a lot of issues which I will attempt to answer. The four main issues I see are:  Enmeshment, Guilt, Conflict, Anger. However all of the last three are linked specifically to enmeshment so I will look at this first. From your email I think the biggest problem you face is the fact that neither you nor your mother have been able to form an identity separate from each other. This is always more difficult when a ‘family’ consists of only two members. Even in a so called average family of two parents and 2-3 children this can be difficult especially when a parent has not separated emotionally from their own parent or seeks their identity through merging with their child or children. I have written about what I describe as enmeshment between an only child and one or more of [...]

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Why can only children find it difficult to ‘separate’ from their parents’?

    In this post I am looking at one of the difficulties some only children have as they grow to develop as an individual in their own right, with a sense of an autonomous self. This differentiation from parent figures is a requirement for all children. Each child needs to separate psychologically from its parent, if not the parent-child relationship is characterised by a lack of separation emotionally, physically and financially. Often these three are combined, so it is not always that clear, and inevitably there is some overlap. When this occurs the child-parent relationship is one of enmeshment. What is enmeshment?: Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself. Whilst only children are not necessarily enmeshed with a parent(s), and equally enmeshment can be true of sibling children, there is a high incidence with the single child simply because of the intensity [...]

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Why do you blame all your problems on not having siblings?

Here is the sort of email I often receive which shows how angry people with siblings can be and as you will see it is a lot to do with envy. Envy of the close relationship some onlies have with their parents and envy of the material benefits. Compounded by the fact that of course not everyone gets on with their siblings!! I can’t believe you feel having no brothers or sisters is the root of all onlies’ problems. What about all the miserable people out their WITH siblings?  What do they blame THEIR childhood/adult issues on? I have a sister and I always envied my cousins who were onlies, and I had quite a few of them. They always had nicer things, seemed closer with their parents, grew up and are doing well and are definitely not “alone in the world” as they are married with kids of their [...]

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