adolescence

Do all adolescence feel lonely? Are elderly parents a problem for everyone?

I found your website when researching literature for my undergraduate psychology project regarding only children. I felt compelled to submit my experiences. I am an only child myself and have chosen to have one daughter. Growing up I thought that I felt lonely, but have subsequently wondered whether this is a feeling experienced by all adolescents and that, being an only child, there seems to be an obvious ‘reason’ for it. Having read some of the posts, especially those posted by teenagers, there seems to be a lot of recurring themes about issues with parents, too much time spent with them, or changes in the relationships that they have with them. Surely this is the case in most families when children reach that age? It certainly seems as though the negative is emphasised. So, to those people that are worried about things like their ageing parents and the responsibility which [...]

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Are you a parent of an only-child teenager?

I wonder if anyone would be willing to help Ameerah Khadaroo with his Doctoral research? I think it is great when people want to research the lives and aspects of only-children, so if you are a parent of an only-child teenager, please read! Bernice Ameerah Khadaroo  writes: I am a PhD Psychology student at Warwick University and I am currently researching parenting of single-child and two-child families in the UK. This research will help to find out more about how families withonly children differ from those with more than one child during the teenage years. With growing numbers of couples having only one child, this would be important and relevant not just for parents and academics, but for all those who work with children. I am looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part by both the adolescent and the parents completing some online questionnaires. At a later date, some [...]

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How to disentangle oneself from an enmeshed relationship (part 1)

Why should we try and disentangle our self from an enmeshed relationship? The reasons, as I stated in my previous post, are that when psychological separation is missing, the following can occur: A lack of a sense of self A lack of control over one’s life A potential for low self-esteem A feeling of being a ‘victim’ rather than an ‘author’ of one’s life. I would add to this, that one of the difficulties of being enmeshed as a child is that we do not know any other way to relate to others. It means we take this pattern of relating and do the same to our partner, and child/ren and this can feel very suffocating to the recipient. Especially when this is passed on to ones child/ren, because it does not facilitate them acquiring healthy psychological development.  So how do we disentangle our selves from an enmeshed relationship? If [...]

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How can you support your daughter as an only child?

Hi Bernice I am the mother of a teenage (14 year old) only daughter. Her father and I have always encouraged her to be independent and courageous. She is talented at sports, excels at her school work and is respected by her peers and teachers. Despite all this, she has few close friends and often seems lonely. She is more serious and mature than many of her peers and she is not afraid to speak her mind – which often alienates her from others. She does not ‘suffer fools gladly’. I am starting to feel guilty for her being an only child as she seems unable to form close bonds with others. I don’t know what to do or how to support her in this. Any advice? Bernice replies: My first response is please do not feel guilty there are a lot worse experiences than being an only child! Clearly [...]

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Life Stages: Adolescence

In the Early Childhood Stage, we looked at some of the challenges the only child may face when moving into the world of school. We saw these difficulties were by no means inevitable but were common for those only children who had not experienced much peer interaction in their early life, or had parents who found it difficult to separate from their own emotional needs to fulfil the emotional needs of their child. Adolescence is the time when ‘ego identity’ needs to be achieved: this means knowing who you are and how you fit into the rest of society. Peer groups are particularly significant at this stage as they allow for peer identity to emerge through interaction with others and provide the support for the move from childhood to adulthood by separating emotionally from parents. This is why being able to have other children to interact with at an early [...]

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Why do you blame all your problems on not having siblings?

Here is the sort of email I often receive which shows how angry people with siblings can be and as you will see it is a lot to do with envy. Envy of the close relationship some onlies have with their parents and envy of the material benefits. Compounded by the fact that of course not everyone gets on with their siblings!! I can’t believe you feel having no brothers or sisters is the root of all onlies’ problems. What about all the miserable people out their WITH siblings?  What do they blame THEIR childhood/adult issues on? I have a sister and I always envied my cousins who were onlies, and I had quite a few of them. They always had nicer things, seemed closer with their parents, grew up and are doing well and are definitely not “alone in the world” as they are married with kids of their [...]

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