Noticeboard
Only Child Experience and AdulthoodAbout the book: 'Only-Child Experience and Adulthood'
This book presents accounts of the experience of growing up without siblings
across the world. These stories offer a range of only-child voices which speak
of the challenges and differences only-children face throughout their lives.
The stories were collected through interviews and this website and they give
witness to the lives of adult onlies. The complexity and multidimensional
nature of the private, personal and public worlds of the only-child are
discussed from a social and psychological perspective.
The book also offers important insights for people in the helping professions working with child and adult only-children. Above all the book demonstrates the importance of witnessing and existential validation for only-children whilst providing understanding to help guide parents and partners of only-children.
Introduction
PART ONE: TRANSCENDING THE STEREOTYPES
The Politics of the Only Child
The Research Framework
Co-Researchers' Stories
Only-Child Voices
PART TWO: A MULTIPLICITY OF VOICES
Research Data and the World Wide Web
Stories from China and Taiwan
Life-Stories Life-Stages
PART THREE: IMPLICATIONS FOR THERAPY
An Only-Child Archetype: A Folk-Tale
The Only-Child Matrix
Gathering the Threads
I would like to thank all those people who have kindly written to me with their experiences. I have included as much as I can from those people who offered their stories.
I am now writing a second book which is in a self-help style. If anyone would like to share their experiences of dealing with the challenges of growing up an only-child and in particular what you may consider are the long term consequences both good and bad I would love to hear from you CLICK HERE. All emails answered.
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Book Review: From Australia
Bernice Sorensen has conducted research into the only-child experience in adulthood. Her research was conducted through interviews with adult only children at various life stages, and also emails to her only-child website. As an only-child I found the book enlightening. A significant aspect of being an only-child, is that your childhood is experienced in isolation. As an adult there are no siblings who have witnessed what you have experienced; and only a minority of people you contact would understand this experience, as only a small proportion of the population are only children For this reason I found the book refreshing, as only-child adults from around the world have had the opportunity to contribute to the research via Sorensen's website and as a result of reading other 'onlies' experiences, I found I am not unusual, but quite normal for an only child.
Sorensen is also an only-child, and relates her experience alongside the stories told by her participants ( who she calls co-researchers in the book, reflecting her own personal involvement in the study ). Through the book, Sorensen explores the stereotypes of the way the world perceives the only-child, and where reality is for the only-child adults in the research. Her study reveals a disparity between public stereotypes of the only-child and the actual experience - for example: the spoilt and privileged stereotype is challenged, as many only-children appear to be denied by parents eager to be seen not to 'spoil' them, and as a result many receive less than children with siblings. The stories told also give a 'voice' to many only-children whose experience has previously not been heard, and a rare opportunity to share in the experience of others.
The first two chapters explain previous research studies, and the methodology Sorensen used for this study. This part I found tedious but essential for professionals using the book. The remainder of the book is devoted to the only-child stories as related in interviews or emails to the website. Sorensen discusses individually aspects of the stories that relate to the only-child experience, drawing on her own experience (personal and professional) and past studies and theorists. Common themes occurring from the stories are discussed; these include aloneness, lack of connectedness, self-esteem and enmeshment with parents, and how these affect the lives of only-children in many areas of their adult lives. Many of the participants reported limited social experience growing up, and felt this impacted significantly when trying to establish themselves in the adult world. Also dealing with the ageing and death of parents is felt more acutely by the only-child adult, and this is expressed as a concern with even the younger participants.
I would highly recommend this book to all only-child adults and those close to them; and professionals in the counselling and health fields. Parents of young only-children would also benefit, as many of the negative experiences could be avoided with parental insight. E. (August 2008)
On this noticeboard you will find information about only-child groups, workshops and messages from other onlies. They only make up a fraction of the onlies who have contacted me but they have been kind enough to share their stories with you.
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Are there other people in the same boat?
I am an only child and at forty years of age can look back on my life and say it has played a part in at least ninety percent of it. I was married very young had two beautiful daughters but sadly the marriage was rocky,mostly my fault,I left and the work I was in took me to another country. I kept in constant contact with the kids and between my traveling back and they coming over we are very close,but I have an overpowering feeling of guilt at having left them. The girl I'm with now is the love of my life, we tried to have kids but to no success, this is affecting me more than her. My want of children and thinking that without them it cant be a home has threatened our relationship.I can relate to most of your e-mails as I to have the numbing feeling of loneliness even with the person you love that you could never explain to her, that horrible feeling of envy at other peoples families that you shouldn't feel,the lack of confidence,the making up of stories of your childhood to try to fit the norm,Ive had three fits of depression that i can attribute to it, even dreading Christmas and other family occasions cause you don't feel you deserve to celebrate them, there is also the fear of the future that hard to shake,but if you ask other people they would not believe all this about me they think Im just a normal guy and I usually am but it all seems to be coming to a head,I would love to hear from other people in the same boat and find is there a way to turn all this bad energy around to make it work for you,
I am a 25 year old female MA student in Filmmaking. I am doing research for a proposal for my third term project, a ten minute documentary about only children. I was an only child myself so it is a subject that is very close to me.
I would be really interested in hearing from adult only children and also the parents of
only children, even if you just want to chat about your experiences and aren't interested in appearing in the film.
I would also really like to hear from people who have set up or are thinking about setting up surrogate sibling groups. If you are interested, please e-mail Sasha at: documentary_ project@yahoo. co.uk
RDF Television, makers of C4’s hit programme Wife Swap are currently making a new series and looking in an observational way at family life in the UK and celebrating different lifestyles in modern Britain . In this series, they want to feature a mum or dad with just one child who can educate another family (and the viewing public) about their lifestyle. They want to gain a real insight into what it’s like to be an only child.
Is there anyone who maybe interested in taking part ? If so please contact Rachael Stubbins: Rachael.stubbins@rdfmedia.com
Films of Record, is an award-winning independent television production company, and is currently preparing an observational documentary around the topic of being an only child. They are looking to talk to only children of any age, to explore the benefits and burdens of being an only, and look at how this experience impacts upon people throughout their lives.
If you are you an only child How do you think this experience has shaped your life? How different do you think you would have been if you’d had brothers and sisters?
This stage of research does not involve any filming, and by getting in touch it would not in any way commit you to being part of the documentary.
If you are interested in sharing your story, or know of someone who would, then please contact Amy in complete confidence on 020 7286 0333 or email Amy on research@filmsofrecord.com. For more information go to the website at www.filmsofrecord.com
Only-child Experience and Adulthood
Emails from other Onlies
15 year old only-childIm a 15 year old only child girl who hates being an only child. Is there anyone my age out there to be a friend? Write to:thecraziestdaisy@msn.com
Email from Australia 25.5.06: Only children - Not such a bad thing!
I was reading with great interest your findings and peoples stories re: growing up an "ONLY!" It amazed me the amount of negative comments people had about the matter. I grew up an only child (I have a half brother and sister from my Mums' previous marriage but they did not live with us.) and I have never felt any different from anyone else I know, siblings or not. In fact my husband, who may I add is one of eight, has a similar personality to me, we are both extroverts, have the same morals, humour, and outlooks in life. It just never occurred to me that I may be different growing up on my own as I felt everyone is different in their own way anyway.
At school I was bullied a bit, no more than any other tall, skinny girl with big feet. But I feel it made me stronger and who I am today. In fact whenever anyone else told stories of their brothers and sisters, good or bad I used to feel slightly smug that I never had that problem and that I could choose who I wanted to have around me. My Mum and Dad did their own things, holidays, nights out - I wasn't doted on put it that way. I have always had an active imagination as I had to play by myself a lot of the time and my old job as a singer meant I have to be extremely outgoing when on-stage. I left home when I was 18 a very independent, well adjusted woman and travelled from the UK to the Mediterranean and now live in Australia.
The only negative remarks I could make about being an only child is that still, 28 years on I seek approval from my Mum and mostly my Dad (and anyone else for that matter). (nb. my dad was also a very strict when I was growing up-I suppose being his 'little girl' and all that!)
I found your website as I was searching for a few answers. We have one child who is now one. Whilst I enjoy having a child and love my son dearly I am seriously considering not having any more. I'm not sure whether there may be a gender difference in whether 'only' children have negative experiences or if it’s just down to the parents, surrounding family and the individual. My son has 11 cousins, 4 of which are the same age and live close by so I doubt he'll ever feel lonely coming from such a huge family. My husband and I are fun, easy-going, sporty people that enjoy playing and spending time with him but don't dote on him. I just don't know if being an 'only' boy will make a difference. I obviously don't want him growing up lonely or unhappy like some other only children I've read about. I just wish I knew if giving him a sibling would guarantee his happiness! How can I ensure that he grows up as happy to be an only child as I was.
Thanks for the web site, a great and insightful read. Keep up the good work....Kelly
Only, Adopted, Unacceptably Posh! (May 2006)
Prompted – and moved to tears – by BBC R4’s programme this morning, I am hoping there might be somewhere in your site or something to communicate my experience. At 45 years, I have never achieved a successful intimate relationship and am becoming terrified of turning into a lonely old woman with cats…Not just an only child, I also struggled under the extra whammies of being adopted, being (apparently) ‘posh’ and having very much older parents who were themselves desperately shy and socially inept and who – with the best of stated intentions – failed to give me any emotional support whatsoever.
With my relatively lah-di-dah voice and adult mannerisms, I was a blisteringly obvious target throughout school for those who found it fun to tease and distress someone like me who could be relied upon to rise to the bait every damn time. Even in my sixth form, younger girls hunted me down and taunted me. I was of course fat and spotty, and appallingly unfashionable thanks to my mother’s strict views on sensible shoes/clothes and make-up. (When I showed a natural teenage interest in make-up and boyfriends, Mother called me a whore.) School bullying included having books smacked in my face, when I was peacefully reading at lunchtimes.
My parents’ response to my school problems was ‘ignore them and they’ll go away’. I gave up talking in any real way to my parents by the time I was 12. By then I’d figured out that my home situation was a crazy mix of advantages – bedroom and study of my own; quiet; material possessions – with serious and miserable flaws: a hermit-like existence; anything like fun was ‘too much trouble’… I realised my life was not ‘normal’ compared to others’ so I felt it was ok to withdraw into my own world – I knew very strongly that I didn’t want to be like my parents.
They over protected me big time… If I talked to people my mother didn’t know when we were out shopping, for example, I was in for a dreadful scolding when we got home. If I accepted gifts from my parents’ few friends, I was in trouble – Mother loathed ‘being beholden’ to anyone. Mother used to explain she didn’t like me talking to strangers in case they were the ‘wrong sort of people’. I remember much kindness from the people my parents knew: we didn’t socialise much but they treated me with so much warmth. I think now they might have felt a little sorry for me. At the time I thought it was because I was so well behaved.
Avoiding ‘normal’ childish and teenage behaviour, and doing well at school, were the only ways to gain parental approval. They knew no other measure.
I rebelled overtly only three times in my entire childhood. I became skilled at making my own highly imaginative entertainment, and devoured books by the library-full! Good preparation, I suppose, for the isolated life I’ve been pushed into.
I also showed early interest, and some ability, at writing. Again my parents smiled indulgently and completely failed to support my efforts to go places with what I could do… Let’s face it, they had no connections or contacts anyway. But it was clear they thought the only correct path for my life was to stuff myself with education, do some little genteel job then marry a stockbroker and produce children. My parents used to say “Don’t aim too high, you’ll only be disappointed”.
Over-sensitive, I suppose… Or perhaps just very alone; rarely has anyone cuddled me and told me ‘it’ll be ok’. I am fearful of being judged, and go through painful and self-sabotaging phases of low esteem and outright depression.
At the moment it seems that success (hell, life!!) is passing me by. I watch others work hard and achieve against the odds, but it doesn’t seem possible for me. I’m starting to think I must be doing pretty much everything wrong. That I never should have tried to do anything about my dreams… XX
Dear Bernice (June 2006)
Well I myself have one brother and we are very close but that has only been the case since I was 17/18. Before that there was a lot of in-fighting.
My wife is an only child and had a very loving childhood. In spite of her father leaving when she was young then returning some years later she grew up feeling very cared for and had plenty of friends.
I have discussed the issue with her many times and she doesn't seem to feel at all worried about not having anyone to discuss her childhood with etc... because she has friends who recall many of the challenges and games of yesterday.
I was doing some research on the issue as we are undecided as to whether to focus our attention on our one son or to have more children. It is expensive having kids and you can not guarantee siblings will get on.
I have a few friends who do not get on well with their siblings- in fact they hardly ever see them. I also know a few only children who are very nice, well-balanced people who do not speak ill of their childhood and seem to have pleasant memories.
It seems that the people who have written in to the site are those who had issues growing up but this could be due to a number of things- not being pretty enough, clever enough or whatever and it is convenient to blame it on not having any siblings.
I don't deny there are advantages on both sides but feel that your website is rather biased towards the negative experiences- almost as if you are trying to tell the world it is a terrible thing. If you read other websites you will find a mixture of views and certainly many of them are positive. It is not such an unusual thing to be one child any more. Surely it is more the responsibility of the parents to ensure plenty of interaction with friends and cousins thereby ensuring a solid base from which to build experiences.
If my wife is happy to consider having one child and is an only child herself it clearly demonstrates that the feelings of many of the unfortunates on this website are not echoed everywhere.
Penny (May 2006)
I read with interest your 'only' article in Therapy Today. I am now 45 and grew up with three younger boisterous brothers and was delighted to have had just as much fun with the three equally boisterous sons of ours!
However, throughout my married life I have been 'plagued' by my husband having been an only child. He thought one child was enough to start with and took me a few years to persuade him otherwise!
Even till this very day, he is jealous of the attention I give and receive from my brothers, and has always be very sticky about sharing his 'toys' with either them or in the early stages, his sons.
I am sure, with the right parents, onlys can be 'normal' but my husband was made the apple of his parents eye and still far too up on his pedestal to really relate for example with large gatherings of family or even the during the family meals. He does not enjoy these unless he is centre of attention even if we have not seen our eldest son for a few weeks.
My husband is now 60 and I foresee no hope of him ever changing, in fact I saw a counsellor and having rather naively repeated to my husband that the cause of a lot of our problems was been him being an only child, he now actually uses that as an extra excuse for continuing jealous behaviour!
I found your article in Therapy Today and your website so interesting. Some of the statements from the workshop reported on the site left me breathless, it was as though I was reading my own thoughts.I am a 54 year old only child, brought up by my Mum alone since my Dad died when I was 13. I can remember seeing only two other children before I
started school, and I didn't speak to them. I cried every morning when I left my Mum at the school gate. I was afraid my parents would not be there when I got back. I was shown a great deal of kindness and patience by my teachers.
I made friends at school, but then, as now, I did not find that easy. Like your male correspondent on the noticeboard, I spent a lot of time talking to myself, talking myself to sleep at night and amusing myself by playing all the characters in my own plays. I also had two imaginary friends, one was a good girl, the other naughty but charismatic.
My childhood was not an unhappy one, I think being an only child has made me resourceful, independent and happy to be in my own company. I am never bored, even in traffic jams. However, like many of your contributors, I feel different, and can recognize some grandiosity in the
way I think about myself sometimes, which is very annoying! I find it difficult to form friendships which go beyond the small talk stage. I have few close friends. I also find staffroom chat and parties very uncomfortable.
When I had a family of my own, it was important to me to make sure our first child was not an only child. We were lucky enough to have two children, they get on well and enjoy each other now that they are young adults. That was not always the case, and sometimes we felt tested as to the best way to deal with sibling rivalry, having no experience of it ourselves. My husband has one brother who is 12 years older, so many of his life experiences (or lack of them) are similar to those of only children.
Am I alone?!
When I do stumble across other only children I find that I can really identify with them. As I've grown older, I appreciate how difficult it is to be an only child. Others think you are spoilt, selfish etc. Actually, you just learned to survive without the company of others. People don't seem to appreciate that sometimes it's far harder as although we don't have to share parents, we are the soul child that has to try to make our parents proud. We're all they have and it's not easy...........Tracey
Only child Australia
Hi there. I’m 30 years old and am an only child. Apart from my grand father being an only child I’d never met one in my life up until this year at work. I have gone through life up until that point of thinking no-one understands me and how I feel, how could they, they all have someone to turn too (brothers or sisters).
My parents were unable to conceive anymore children so I was there miracle gift from god. I was never able to play with friends after school or weekends. My parents took me everywhere with them, travelling around the country side. They only had one chance at a family and I was/am there world.
All my mums’ side of the family lived too far away to see them, although I have a very special and close relationship with my grand mother over the phone. My father’s side of the family live close by, but didn’t have a close relationship with us either.
When I reached 13 years old I finally had some friends who lived close by. I guess in my father’s eyes I was rebelling very badly as I wanted to communicate with these strangers (my father named them). I found myself attaching to friends at a very deep level and was hurt for months when they moved away. I even found what I thought was love at primary school (age, about 10) and did not stop those intense feelings until early 20's. I could have cried an ocean all those years.
Currently I have an only child but he has so much confidence and with my support I think he will be ok. After all I went through, with the separation of his biological father, I can’t bear to have another.
I find that having friendships is a lot of hard work and in my opinion they don’t last forever. It is not my fault, people just move in different directions and I am now happy for them. Having said that, I now find it really hard to get close to anyone. I sometimes feel that it would be great to have a brother or sister, but then I think of stories I hear where siblings don’t talk to each other all their life. Wouldn't that be heartbreaking? So maybe we are lucky at times.
Currently I am studying Psychology and hope to get a better understanding of who I am and where I fit into this world. I find it hard at times to express my opinion in crowds of people and feel very comfortable with one-on-one communication.
The only thing that scares me is when my parents pass on, who is going to be there for me? Well I have always battled on my own - I can do it again! 30th June 05
Bernice
I just had to write as I am an only child and I sometimes did and sometimes didn't like being an only child and I am still confused about it and i am 54 now.
I always found presents of board games difficult as who were you supposed to play with, my Dad would quite often play but of course he had to go to work and my Mam always seem to pretend to not understand so that I wouldn't ask her again.
As one of your letters said you didn't like telling anyone you were an only child as you were obviously spoilt and got everything you wanted which wasn't true, my parents didn't have much money but they did give me as much as they possibly could but I had to look after everthing I got as they couldn't afford to replace anything.
I always envied the other kids who had siblings there was always lots going on in their houses and ours was always quiet. I have quite a few cousins as my Mother came from a big family but you all grow up and go different ways.
I am finding it hard now that my Mother is 88 and my Aunt is 86 she has no children and they were always very close being the youngest 2 sisters and I am the only niece who really bothers with her. My husband and I used to do both their gardens but this year we have managed to find a gardener for them which eases the burden on us, I do a little bit of washing for them and do bits of shopping (bulky or heavy items). There is no one to share this with, there is only me and my poor husband who doesn't get on with my Mother at all. When my Aunt had a hip replaced we used to visit every night for two weeks and when you both work full-time it is very tiring but my cousin who lives in the south of england, herself a pensioner now, did come up to look after my aunt for six weeks when she came out of hospital otherwise she would have had to go into a home until she could manage, so that was good of her. When the time comes for my Mother and Aunt to leave us I don't how I would cope without my husband.
I also cannot get my husband to understand that I am quite happy on my own, I am used to being on my own and like my own company now and again but he thinks we should do everthing 'together' and I sometimes find it suffocating, sweet but suffocating.
Also as one of letters says you have no-one to share the memories with and as I have no children all my family 'memorabilia' photos etc. will mean nothing to anyone.
Lynne 18.June 2005
