Emails from Around the World
Ann of Green Gables: "There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable but then it wouldn't be half so interesting." only child counselling in west dorset
Kate , USA
I recently found your website and read with interest many of the comments that echo my own experiences as an only child. That was most helpful. Many of the stories were wonderfully optimistic and portrayed loving parents who nurtured and supported their only children. I loved these stories. My particular situation, however, was rampant with dysfunction that I truly think compounded the only child circumstance. Both my parents were alcoholics. We were not poor, did not live on the wrong side of town, my parents were not criminals and I did not go without the essentials of food, clothing and shelter during my childhood. As I have come to know after years of trying to understand alcoholism, an alcoholic puts the "condition" ahead of all else in their lives. That is to say, meeting the need of the alcoholism comes before the children, the home, the extended family, everything. Therefore, in addition to being an only child and having the normal emotional/psychological conditions associated with that condition I felt somewhat alienated from my metaphoric umbilical cord, my parents, or one step removed from the core of my immediate family because of the
alcoholism. I think this compounded the detachment related problems and possibly created some larger abandonment and trust issues as well. I would be interested to know if others have experienced this same unique situation as only children and how they have learned to grow from that situation.
Kimberley 15 years old and fed up with being seen as spoilt. June 2007
I'm 15 years old and all my life I have hated being an only child. I only had time to skim through a couple of your stories in the research section but the first two I read definitely stood out to me. People always think I’m spoiled, but it's not true at all and I often envy other people with siblings. I think one time I was at the grocery store and I saw these two siblings fighting over something. It was so cute how the little girl admired her brother so much and wanted to be just like him but at the same time was so mad at him for pushing her. The next time I looked over she was holding his hand and he was pushing her away out of "embarrassment". I think I almost started crying right there and I am not a very emotional person. I knew I would never have that bond with anyone. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but at the same time I have lots of friends. I noticed that one of my friends during lunch will always ask "someone come in line with me, I don't want to go by myself" and I don't understand it at all. A lot of times I prefer to be by myself and I hate me for that. It gave me social problems when I was younger because I didn’t know how to interact well with other people. But I’ve sort of figured it out now. People always call me spoiled and I want to punch every single one of them for saying it because I’m not.
As an only child, I spend WAY too much time alone with my parents and it’s caused some serious problems with our relationship now because I’m so tired of them. And then I get this thought, what happens when they die? Friends fade, but family is forever. That’s what they say right? Well what about when your family dies? Sure I have uncles and aunts and cousins, but sadly I don't see any of them on enough of a regular basis to be close. If they are gone, and I’m still not married, I’ll have no one! No one in the world I can count on. But sadly, once again, that doesn't even scare me that much because I’m so used to being alone. I’m so independent, I don't need anyone. I’ve always figured out a way to deal with things on my own and I’ve always been very smart. I’m a very outgoing person and high achiever, always striving for the best, not accepting anything below that, but at the same time I am inverted certain ways. I feel like I’m missing something though, I don't feel like my family is normal at all without that other sibling. I matured so much faster than all my other friends because I was always around adults or my parents because I had no other sibling. That made it difficult for me to get along with other people as well.
Anyway, sorry for the novel. All I know is I’m an only child, and I hate it and I hate that it's so overlooked in our society.
email from Australia
I am a 54 year old only child. My father was 42 and my mother 35 when i was born. I was assured by my parents when I was growing up that I was spoilt and luckier than other children because I had no siblings i had to share with. I believed this for some time, but as I grew older I realised it was a fallacy. I was given very few toys as this would spoil me, and clothes were basically hand-me -downs from cousins as my parents were convinced I would be over indulged otherwise. I played contentedly with my few toys - became very skilled with a tennis ball, lots of imagination games with my 2 dolls, yo yos were also a favourite with all the time I spent practicing tricks. Fortunately, when i did finally settle into school socially - about age 10 or 11 I gained friends and have always had valuable friendships throughout my life. I still have good friends from my school years - friends are so important when you're an only child. I had counselling at one stage of my life and pointed out to her that, only children don't always experience a besotted life. It sometimes happens that couples can have a child, and than resume their life with barely an interruption. The child, being quite powerless on their own, has to accept whatever is the status quo, and if they desire, parents can be as selfish and self absorbed as they wish. I left home at 18( I just had to get out and find a life ) and married at 21 and had 3 daughters who are all now adults. I adore my family, but at times I find I can become a bit withdrawn - I'm aware of it and now realise it is my 'only child' needing a bit of space and keep it minimal. Of course the adult perspective is, there are no nieces and nephews, and therefore no cousins for my children growing up, which my daughters missed dearly. My mother is now 90 and complaining because I should give up my working life to look after her. I had a childhood of being a latchkey kid because my mother was too busy with her social life to bother with a child - materially or emotionally. I was left to roam around and amuse myself, and also to guide myself all the way through childhood and adulthood. How I wished I could have discovered I had some brothers or sisters.
March 2007
Growing up as an only child, I really did not think about what it was like to live in a large family. I was very much cocooned in my own little word, that was, my mum, dad and me. I had a lovely childhood, we had a 'nice' home, a 'nice' car and I always had 'nice' clothes.
My mum would have dinner parties, (this was in the 1970s) and we would all dress up in long dresses, and sit up tables and eat nicely. Afterwards, I would be left to sit in a corner and read, or have to amuse myself, whilst my parents had a delightful evening.
I was used to being on my own, not having to share my bedroom, or fight to get into the bathroom. I went to a little first school where everything was just so unblemished, happy memories, and I was always picked to do the 'dinner numbers' or to do errands. It was if I was always the good girl.
I did however find it hard to make friends. I did not have a brother or sister who brought their own friends home for me to know. Going to school as I got older became a nightmare, and standing in the playground on the first day, not knowing anyone was awful. We moved, so all eyes were on me because I was the 'new girl', no-one to run to, or show me where to go.
I never really talked about my day at school, I would just come home from school, do my homework, and play out with friends. There was no older sister to style my hair, or practice make-up, no talk of boys or sharing music, I just learnt it on my own.
Friendships were suffocating, If I made a friend, then I would stick with them, I never had a 'group', I was very much a loner, and today am happy to be alone all day if need be. My best friend I have known for 30 years, over the years we have become very close, but only now have I finally learnt to let her go and not be jealous that she has so many other friends, including me, and I have to share her.
I never had to share my sweets, although I was brought up to share them anyway. I never had second hand clothes and if I wanted something special for christmas like a Xylophone, then I got it, my parents did not have to share their money between other children. I never played board games, nobody to play with, so I had fuzzy felts and sequin and pin pictures. My outlet was reading, something you could do on your own, and not have to talk.
Being an only child, taught me, that one day when I got married I never wanted just one child, because I did not want them to go through what I went through, even though it sounds lovely, it was a very lonely and solitary existence at times. I was lucky in many ways, but feel that in other ways you miss out so much. I never learnt from brothers or sisters who had children, the experiences of looking after babies, I never changed a nappy until I had my own children, I had never looked after a baby and did not have a clue, until I had my own. I never had cousins to play with or aunties or uncles popping in or baby sitting. In a way it was harder being an only child who wanted for nothing, than being in a larger family, learning about life, and how to deal with the many hurdles that came along and having people to talk to.
My experience as an only child came to abrupt halt, the day I looked in mum and dad's private drawer. And it was then that my idyllic world came to a crashing end. To read my story, or if anyone would like to add their experiences, you can go to my website www.thelovechild.co.uk Click here
At this time in my life, I had no brother or sister to turn to, and shortly after, my life was to change forever ................... Niecey.
Feb 2007- message from New Zealand
I am very happy to know of your project... I have read other people's accounts and it has brought me some relief to know that I am certainly not the only one to suffer from being an only and lonely child... Not only has this been the issue of my life, but I STILL cry atr the mention of any kind of brother/sister bonding. Literally, I CRY. The envy eats me up inside. I cannot help but feel jealous and ask the inevitable "WHY"... It hurts so much, no one will ever know or feel it. People can only empathize so much but they will never know how it's like to grow up alone, ALONE. Evemn my family and cousins lived abroad. I only had mySELF and my parents- who were never on good terms anyway. Relationships? Who in God's name knows HOW they can succeed? I have had problems with the dynamics of communication and "giving" not only because of my dysfunctional family but certainly mainly because of my loneliness. I just cannot bear the emptiness I feel and believe me, no number of frie! nds and people will ever make up for the most important thing that I lacked. I do not blame my parents but I definitely suffer, every single day/. The words "my brother" / "my sister" REALLY hurt me. THEY REALLY DO (Tara)
My son is an only-child
Dear Bernice (22nd November)
Having skimmed your website several times, I now write to share my situation. Any thoughts anyone has would be welcomed!
Am now 31 year old Only Child myself, I had a comparatively privileged upbringing (a world of Private Schools, Ponies and all the toys you could every wish for plus a few!!) and always knew I was loved by my parents. My upbringing was not harsh or unhappy, although the rows were plentiful between both my parents themselves and them and myself, in fact I would say I had a great childhood with many happy memories. But I always longed for that sibling………….Anna
My response: Dear Anna
I have tried sending you a response but the email address you sent it from does not accept it. Thank you for your really interesting letter and sharing your dilemma. I felt by the end that you did have some clarity- Sam will be ok as an only child! The main thing is that he has plenty of friends to interact with, in his home and in theirs. This I believe is the most crucial thing: having close peer relationships where he can learn how to deal with conflict, competition, envy etc- all the psychological things parents, however good, can never provide. Your wish for a sibling is identical in nature to so many letters I receive from people who would love to be an only child! It’s based on fantasy of not having a sibling!- rather than the reality which might be great but often isn't! Hope this helps. I would like your permssion to place all the email on the website.
Best wishes
Bernice
Are You an adopted Only-child? Email November 2006
Hi Bernice
It was a comfort somewhat stumbling quite accidental upon your site, having never had encounters with other only children or their experiences, I am a 36 year old father of two great boys now. But still live with the emotional difficulties from not only being an only child, but also being adopted. I have read some literature on the adoption side of things, the feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness of being adopted. But knew being an only child in some way to added to these feeling, now having also seen the notice board on your site I see that` only children` do also feel this same way and I as an only child share theirs. I have never meet with other only children or adopted people, and now I feel in some way from my lonely childhood that I must take the burden of these feelings and I am now at a stage that I know I will never be able to share them except through your site.
My parents were great people, I had some fantastic experiences in my life, and I cannot fault them for the way I have been brought up. I can only conclude that the feelings I harbour are made of mine own self. I don’t remember a specific time when the feeling of loneliness set in I just know I had it. I cannot remember 90% of my early childhood as I did not have many friends until I was about 12 or 13 and of course I cannot relate to any siblings about these. Now when I trace back upon pictures from my childhood, I am the only one in the pictures, at Christmas with my new toys, on birthdays with my new bike, on the beach on holidays all on my own.
Being now within a family can be strange for me, sometimes I feel it all to much to have so many around me, and can lash out (not physically), does anybody else feel this way? I do not mean to lash out and it is only a “knee jerk reaction” and means nothing further to me, but to my loved ones it makes them feel they are some kind of nuisance to me which is not true.
Then the only solace I know of to take is to be on my own where I can do no further bother to them. I know my story is not unique and seeing the other peoples writings they have conquered far greater difficulties than me, and I believe they should be proud of their achievements
In a world where being alone is a hard thing to do, I feel loneliness everyday guilt, shame and the consequence I have of never being good enough. I am so glad there are stories of genuine happiness on your site from people in the same situation and this gives me some hope that I may one day feel more worthy of deserving the life that so many have fought to protect.
Adopted only-child
July 2006
I am the quintessential only child. I am an only child, and on my mother's side was the only grandchild and only great-grandchild for 18 years. As my parents seperated when I was very young and I was then raised by my mother with very little association with my father, I did not and do not now know my paternal cousins.
Certainly there are distinct disadvantages to being an only. It has taken me a long time to realize that people tease others jokingly when they like them as often as they tease others cruelly when they don't. My chosen profession as a copy editor points to my extreme perfectionistic tendencies. The white-hot attention paid to me by my mother, grandparents and great-grandparents was as much of a gift as it was a curse and I fight the tendency to run back to the comfort of my "by myself "safe haven when the slightest issue upsets me. Most uncomfortable is the spector of having very little familial support as my mother and I age. When my father died, I was profoundly affecetd by the realization that one day I might be alone in the world as everyone that knew my intimate childhood history would be gone. That having been said, I don't regret being what is now called a singleton.
I am first and foremost a live-and-let-live person. I attribute this to never having formed hard and fast rules of social engagement (war) hard-wired into my brain by daily sibling interaction. I know like few others that people's personal traits are what makes them who they are as opposed to tools to use against them. It does not matter to me if one is different because everyone is different from me in a most basic way. So I take others as I find them judging not them personally but their behavior as acceptable or unacceptable for me to engage in and I leave it at that. Unlike many who I have seen destroyed by the inability to love from afar siblings who are cancerous, I know that I alone am ultimately responsible to care for myself so I have no problem or lingering guilt when I let go of a toxic relationship. While I had to learn to stand up for myself (no sibling battles over toys and such to teach me), I do not carry old wounds of self-doubt forged by thoughts that Mom liked my sibling best. My self esteem is intact. Having had uninterrupted time to consider the universe and my place in it, I can truly say I know who I am and what is important to me.
In terms of conflict management, I carry no lingering need from childhood to get what is due me because I had everything that I needed and a good bit of what I wanted as a child. Therefore, I can concede when need be without feeling like I am being duped, overlooked or taken advantage of once again. As I think many conflicts are actually old fights being fought over and over again, the fact that most of mine are new and colored by maturity means that "winning" an argument is not as important to me as getting to the root cause of the issue.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I am not afraid to be alone because I like me. While I do like interacting with others, I revel in and need the solitude of "me" time. I do not feel guilty when I take advantage of a rainy day to read a book or daydream.
Rhonda
Heidi and Peter: Heidi by Joanna Sprye
Dear Bernice
I have read your website and it’s postings with great interest. With the exception of a few it seems that being an only child is perceived as a negative thing, and seems to have had a predominantly detrimental impact on many of your readers and contributors lives.I can relate to many of the observations, not being able to play board games alone (although I had a bloody good try), the worry of ending up alone should anything happen to your parents (I live with this to this day) , and the jealousy of others and their relationships with their siblings. I never thought anyone felt that way, as I did, and as I expect we all have at one time or another.
I am the only child of two devoted older parents, I am now 24, my father will be 77 this year and my mother 67. When I was a child I felt in many ways alone, but never for long. My Mum had longed to have more children, but had left it too late and so she and my father went out of their way to drive me to friend’s houses and organize activities for me at home.
Of course I envied my friends who had sisters and brothers of their age, but I also recognized siblings as a hindrance as well, I was particularly good friends with two sisters who lived next door throughout my childhood and saw them warring and raging at each other, I didn’t envy that! My childhood home was peaceful and as I was only ‘one’ my parents made a concerted effort never to be angry with me at the same time so I always had one friendly face to find in our house.
My friendships have been made more durable as a result. My friendship group comprises of friends found in both primary and secondary schools and then throughout university, I am confident that I could confide in any of them my deepest darkest secrets, no less than I would a sibling, and perhaps even more. Boyfriends and partners have not even mentioned my single sibling status, I have no annoying younger sisters to embarrass them when they came to the family home, or no older brothers to give them the once over when they walked through the door. Only occasionally did I get called a spoilt only child, but then I think it’s due to envy from my peers than anything, my parents didn’t have the financial restraints of a larger family, although they were both retired by the time I finished school. And they have always given me their time and understanding willingly, trying to related to a teenager tearing in and out of their house and the trials and tribulations that came with my adolescence. Perhaps more so than other parents did their children.
I was admittedly, an indulged child. If I were to say spoilt my father would laugh and my mother disagree. But I know in truth I was, I was the centre of my parent’s world, the result of their life together and into me all their energies were channeled. That is true even today, but I idolize both of my parents despite the rows and disagreements that still occur. I would not replace them for the world, even though in younger spiteful moments I longed for a family the opposite of my own, with young parents and copious siblings. As I’ve got older I’ve realized that I wouldn’t want any other family life than I have known and you have to make the best of what you have unless you want to be constantly haunted by dissatisfaction. My mother would never stand for me to feel sorry for myself, and made me realize that if I didn’t enjoy my own company who else would?
One day my parent’s will not be with me, and I’ll miss being able to pick up the phone and ask my Dad something practical, a ‘how to’ question, or gossip with my Mum about what’s gone on (or wrong) with our day. And most of all I will have no one to ask about our family or what happened ‘when they were young’, so instead I ask them now, while they can tell me, and I appreciate their company and companionship everyday rather than wish for brothers and sisters and another life I’ve never known.
Kim 3.6.06
I have read your website and it’s postings with great interest. With the exception of a few it seems that being an only child is perceived as a negative thing, and seems to have had a predominantly detrimental impact on many of your readers and contributors lives.I can relate to many of the observations, not being able to play board games alone (although I had a bloody good try), the worry of ending up alone should anything happen to your parents (I live with this to this day) , and the jealousy of others and their relationships with their siblings. I never thought anyone felt that way, as I did, and as I expect we all have at one time or another.
I am the only child of two devoted older parents, I am now 24, my father will be 77 this year and my mother 67. When I was a child I felt in many ways alone, but never for long. My Mum had longed to have more children, but had left it too late and so she and my father went out of their way to drive me to friend’s houses and organize activities for me at home.
Of course I envied my friends who had sisters and brothers of their age, but I also recognized siblings as a hindrance as well, I was particularly good friends with two sisters who lived next door throughout my childhood and saw them warring and raging at each other, I didn’t envy that! My childhood home was peaceful and as I was only ‘one’ my parents made a concerted effort never to be angry with me at the same time so I always had one friendly face to find in our house.
My friendships have been made more durable as a result. My friendship group comprises of friends found in both primary and secondary schools and then throughout university, I am confident that I could confide in any of them my deepest darkest secrets, no less than I would a sibling, and perhaps even more. Boyfriends and partners have not even mentioned my single sibling status, I have no annoying younger sisters to embarrass them when they came to the family home, or no older brothers to give them the once over when they walked through the door. Only occasionally did I get called a spoilt only child, but then I think it’s due to envy from my peers than anything, my parents didn’t have the financial restraints of a larger family, although they were both retired by the time I finished school. And they have always given me their time and understanding willingly, trying to related to a teenager tearing in and out of their house and the trials and tribulations that came with my adolescence. Perhaps more so than other parents did their children.
I was admittedly, an indulged child. If I were to say spoilt my father would laugh and my mother disagree. But I know in truth I was, I was the centre of my parent’s world, the result of their life together and into me all their energies were channeled. That is true even today, but I idolize both of my parents despite the rows and disagreements that still occur. I would not replace them for the world, even though in younger spiteful moments I longed for a family the opposite of my own, with young parents and copious siblings. As I’ve got older I’ve realized that I wouldn’t want any other family life than I have known and you have to make the best of what you have unless you want to be constantly haunted by dissatisfaction. My mother would never stand for me to feel sorry for myself, and made me realize that if I didn’t enjoy my own company who else would?
One day my parent’s will not be with me, and I’ll miss being able to pick up the phone and ask my Dad something practical, a ‘how to’ question, or gossip with my Mum about what’s gone on (or wrong) with our day. And most of all I will have no one to ask about our family or what happened ‘when they were young’, so instead I ask them now, while they can tell me, and I appreciate their company and companionship everyday rather than wish for brothers and sisters and another life I’ve never known.
Kim 3.6.06
Letter from an only-child adults
I am 22 years old and my mum is 62 she was nearly 40 when she had me and my dad left us shortly after which is the obvious reason why my mum never had anymore children.
When I was younger I was happy enough to be an 'only' child I never really thought 'Oh I wish I had a sister or brother' but now as I have got older my views have changed. I now wish with all my heart that I had a sister ora brother. All I have in the world is my mother and I am all she has. This puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. Dont get me wrong I love my mum to bits - maybe too much... I worry constantly because she's older than most of my friends mums I worry about loosing her and being alone and obviously because I have no siblings I would have no one if anything were to happen to her. As I am her only child I obviously get a lot of attention which may sound great to some people but its very suffocating. She often reminds me that she old and that she wants to spend all the time that she can with me. This leaves me feeling guilty when I go out with my friends or on holiday without her. It's got to the point where I cannot do anything without her approval otherwise If I dont I will feel guilty and could end up upsetting her. My advice to anyone thinking about having children is to NOT have only one child because the pressures of an only child are a lot. I know.
Letter recieved after a programme on LBC
23.2.04 An Only Child Pensioner
I was born in 1937, an only child of a very possessive mother, and a henpecked father. Both parents’ professional people, so from the age of five I was a 'latchkey child'. I had to cook my father’s supper at the age of 11years, as mother did not arrive home until late in the evening.
Although I had school friends, I suffered terrible loneliness at weekends and evenings. I always thought that I was adopted, as my mother never once showed me any affection, and my father was very official towards me.
I married and had 2 children (I was determined not to have just one).I had to divorce after 31years of marriage because of a violent and abusive husband. I had no brothers or sisters to support me, and I became even more isolated.
I am now a pensioner on my own, caring for my now 94yrs old mother, for whom I have no love whatsoever, only doing my duty. I do not burden my children with my depressive thoughts I have in my innermost being. I have always been extremely lonely and
felt 'different' from my few friends and on occasions very jealous of their extended families. I have never been able to voice my feelings of complete isolation until now.
I am 22 years old and my mum is 62 she was nearly 40 when she had me and my dad left us shortly after which is the obvious reason why my mum never had anymore children.
When I was younger I was happy enough to be an 'only' child I never really thought 'Oh I wish I had a sister or brother' but now as I have got older my views have changed. I now wish with all my heart that I had a sister ora brother. All I have in the world is my mother and I am all she has. This puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. Dont get me wrong I love my mum to bits - maybe too much... I worry constantly because she's older than most of my friends mums I worry about loosing her and being alone and obviously because I have no siblings I would have no one if anything were to happen to her. As I am her only child I obviously get a lot of attention which may sound great to some people but its very suffocating. She often reminds me that she old and that she wants to spend all the time that she can with me. This leaves me feeling guilty when I go out with my friends or on holiday without her. It's got to the point where I cannot do anything without her approval otherwise If I dont I will feel guilty and could end up upsetting her. My advice to anyone thinking about having children is to NOT have only one child because the pressures of an only child are a lot. I know.
Letter recieved after a programme on LBC
23.2.04 An Only Child Pensioner
I was born in 1937, an only child of a very possessive mother, and a henpecked father. Both parents’ professional people, so from the age of five I was a 'latchkey child'. I had to cook my father’s supper at the age of 11years, as mother did not arrive home until late in the evening.
Although I had school friends, I suffered terrible loneliness at weekends and evenings. I always thought that I was adopted, as my mother never once showed me any affection, and my father was very official towards me.
I married and had 2 children (I was determined not to have just one).I had to divorce after 31years of marriage because of a violent and abusive husband. I had no brothers or sisters to support me, and I became even more isolated.
I am now a pensioner on my own, caring for my now 94yrs old mother, for whom I have no love whatsoever, only doing my duty. I do not burden my children with my depressive thoughts I have in my innermost being. I have always been extremely lonely and
felt 'different' from my few friends and on occasions very jealous of their extended families. I have never been able to voice my feelings of complete isolation until now.
Bernice
I just found your website and have to be honest, I am amazed, I never
realised other people found it so bad.
I must admit that I haven't found it so good myself, to the extent that I
quite deliberately had two children close together.
Part of me feels as though I am incredibly special and the other part knows
I have no major talents, and am just like everyone else. Power struggles
whilst growing up with my mother. Feeling like my parents didn't really see
"me" but wanted to sculpt me into whatever I should have been. Being over
sensitive when people are just difficult and trying over and over to get
them to like me, clearly its all my fault. Feeling alone. Feeling
misunderstood. Not seeming to understand societies rules, and so always
feeling as though I am slow in some capacity!
I cant stress enough that I really don’t think being an only is a terrible thing, but it does go someway to explaining what makes me “me”.
(september 2006)
Dear Bernice
I don't know whether it is common desire in 'onlies', but I was desperate for a brother or sister and this feeling only seemed to intensify as I grew older. It is only now in my early thirties that I am finding some self-acceptance about not having brothers and sisters. I do admit to still having a slight envy at 'big' families; siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews. In fact, even as I write I feel that tinge of sadness about the fact that I will never have a brother or a sister. I will never have that experience of a shared childhood and the knowledge that someone knows your past. It was definitely a grieving process for me, going through the painful feelings of loss and loneliness to finally accepting what I have here in this life. (august 2006)
Dear Bernice
I’ve just read the article ‘Spoilt or spoiled’ in Therapy Today (April 2006) and felt moved to relate my own story. My only-child experience came about through being an illegitimate child born in the 1950’s. Placed in children’s home for the next 9 months or so certainly destroyed any hopes of a secure attachment.
Eventually I was adopted, but remained an only child, as my adoptive parents were not able to take on any more children, as I was decreed by the social worker ‘quite a handful.’ Quite a damning label to have.
Sadly, both for my adoptive parents and the resultant knock-on effect on myself that the realisation of being unable to have your own children had never been resolved. In fact it remains unresolved to this day and my ‘mother’ refers to the fact that she couldn’t have her own children nearly every time I see her.
So, I appear on the scene and play 2nd fiddle. You can tell by now the deep emotional scars I carry, but the story doesn’t end there. It was only a matter of time before I; the ‘special, wanted child’ failed to deliver. The expectations of my new family were just unattainable for me. As a result I became the useless, stupid, troublesome child, who could never do anything right. Even when I was ill I would be reprimanded. I remember one time (I think I was about 6 or 7) when I had been sick in bed in the middle of the night and made a terrible mess. I was chided for creating such a lot of work and why didn’t I get up first. No concern or compassion regarding how I felt. I think I decided then that if ever I was ill I would try to say nothing, and even to this day I tend to dismiss any unwell feelings I might have, at least to others.
Certainly I can identify with the spoilt only child syndrome, although as in the article I see myself as spoiled in the sense of damaged goods. I still hate having to admit that I have no siblings and my sense of self-worth is pretty low. Rejected by my natural mother and then again by my adoptive parents I marvel at how I manage to keep going. Well I do know – it’s for my two children. Here’s some more shame – I’m divorced so I don’t live with my children, although I know I have meaning for them.
The loneliness of the isolation is at times devastating and yet I feel powerless to be able to change how I am. Being on my own seems to be the safer option, if somewhat meaningless. I find relationships, at least with adults, challenging, confusing and unreliable. I guess I have not had the opportunities to learn how to interact with siblings as I didn’t have any. I suppose I don’t really know how to relate socially and perhaps never will. And of course no one understands. How could they – they all have brothers or sisters.
I just found your website and have to be honest, I am amazed, I never
realised other people found it so bad.
I must admit that I haven't found it so good myself, to the extent that I
quite deliberately had two children close together.
Part of me feels as though I am incredibly special and the other part knows
I have no major talents, and am just like everyone else. Power struggles
whilst growing up with my mother. Feeling like my parents didn't really see
"me" but wanted to sculpt me into whatever I should have been. Being over
sensitive when people are just difficult and trying over and over to get
them to like me, clearly its all my fault. Feeling alone. Feeling
misunderstood. Not seeming to understand societies rules, and so always
feeling as though I am slow in some capacity!
I cant stress enough that I really don’t think being an only is a terrible thing, but it does go someway to explaining what makes me “me”.
(september 2006)
Dear Bernice
I don't know whether it is common desire in 'onlies', but I was desperate for a brother or sister and this feeling only seemed to intensify as I grew older. It is only now in my early thirties that I am finding some self-acceptance about not having brothers and sisters. I do admit to still having a slight envy at 'big' families; siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews. In fact, even as I write I feel that tinge of sadness about the fact that I will never have a brother or a sister. I will never have that experience of a shared childhood and the knowledge that someone knows your past. It was definitely a grieving process for me, going through the painful feelings of loss and loneliness to finally accepting what I have here in this life. (august 2006)
Dear Bernice
I’ve just read the article ‘Spoilt or spoiled’ in Therapy Today (April 2006) and felt moved to relate my own story. My only-child experience came about through being an illegitimate child born in the 1950’s. Placed in children’s home for the next 9 months or so certainly destroyed any hopes of a secure attachment.
Eventually I was adopted, but remained an only child, as my adoptive parents were not able to take on any more children, as I was decreed by the social worker ‘quite a handful.’ Quite a damning label to have.
Sadly, both for my adoptive parents and the resultant knock-on effect on myself that the realisation of being unable to have your own children had never been resolved. In fact it remains unresolved to this day and my ‘mother’ refers to the fact that she couldn’t have her own children nearly every time I see her.
So, I appear on the scene and play 2nd fiddle. You can tell by now the deep emotional scars I carry, but the story doesn’t end there. It was only a matter of time before I; the ‘special, wanted child’ failed to deliver. The expectations of my new family were just unattainable for me. As a result I became the useless, stupid, troublesome child, who could never do anything right. Even when I was ill I would be reprimanded. I remember one time (I think I was about 6 or 7) when I had been sick in bed in the middle of the night and made a terrible mess. I was chided for creating such a lot of work and why didn’t I get up first. No concern or compassion regarding how I felt. I think I decided then that if ever I was ill I would try to say nothing, and even to this day I tend to dismiss any unwell feelings I might have, at least to others.
Certainly I can identify with the spoilt only child syndrome, although as in the article I see myself as spoiled in the sense of damaged goods. I still hate having to admit that I have no siblings and my sense of self-worth is pretty low. Rejected by my natural mother and then again by my adoptive parents I marvel at how I manage to keep going. Well I do know – it’s for my two children. Here’s some more shame – I’m divorced so I don’t live with my children, although I know I have meaning for them.
The loneliness of the isolation is at times devastating and yet I feel powerless to be able to change how I am. Being on my own seems to be the safer option, if somewhat meaningless. I find relationships, at least with adults, challenging, confusing and unreliable. I guess I have not had the opportunities to learn how to interact with siblings as I didn’t have any. I suppose I don’t really know how to relate socially and perhaps never will. And of course no one understands. How could they – they all have brothers or sisters.
