Only Child Research
That Question!Are you an only child?
Haven’t you got any brothers or sisters?
My heart sinks
my stomach turns
I fear the next remarks
I expect your mum and dad spoil you,
don’t they?
I smile wanly
What can I say?
If I say yes -
heads nod knowingly
If I say no -
eyebrows raise ever so slightly in disbelief...
I cant win
so I say nothing
I look down, shuffle my shoes,
and feel ashamed (Bernice)
One of the strongest messages that has appeared from my research is that, as only children we often have little opportunity in sharing our experiences of childhood with another. We have no siblings with whom to reminisce and when our parents die, no one to share that stage or compare memories. That is why I think it is important for us to be able to share our stories.
Although my research was specifically aimed at therapists, to enable them to understand and resonate with an experience that may be different to theirs, it is also very infomative to anyone who has grown up an only-child
If you are interested in reading my articles, email me click here. Please note: This work is copyrighted ©. All rights reserved. No part may be used or transmitted in any form without permission of the author.
Therapy Today: April 2006 Spoilt or Spoiled: The Shame of Being an Only.
Vol 17 No 3 {available www.onlychildadult.com}
Self & Society: July/August 2006 Not Special but Different: The Only-child Experience.Volume 33 No 6 AHP {available www.onlychildadult.com}
The Journal of Counselling Children and Adolescence: October 2006: Only Child Challenges and How Counsellors can Help.
Besides these three articles I have co-written two books as a result of my own experience as a counsellor working with young people and women who have been emotionally abused.
Mabey & Sorensen 1995 Counselling for Young People OUP
Sorensen & Mabey 2000 Never Again: Surviving Emotional Abuse (unpublished)
Sorensen, B. (2008) And when the therapist or supervisor dies.... In 'When Death Enters the Therapeutic Space' Ed. Barnett, L. London, Routledge.
Dr. Bernice Sorensen
Since my initial counselling training in 1979 and psychotherapy training in 1992, I have worked in private practice and as a counsellor in schools, colleges and university as well as the NHS, and employment assistant programmes. For several years I set up and managed counselling services for young people in the voluntary sector. I also work as a consultant with local organisations and run CPD training days and only-child workshops for adult onlies. I am a Cascade Associate and tutor on the Cascade Diploma in Individual and Group Supervision. To visit Cascade click here
only child counselling in west dorset
www.onlychildadult.com
www.hydraholidays.com
Workshops
On Surviving the Stigma
As part of the workshop statements were made which we would like to convey to others about the experience of being an only.
To others:
I would like you to know that being an only child is lonely and scary but when you grow up you have the resources to do something about it. (Janice)
To my father:
The importance of witnessing:
"I think it was the first time I had actually sat down with a group of professionals who were only children, and we talked about what it was like. I think what stood out for me, it kept ringing in my head: ‘God I’m not the only one, I’m not the only one who feels this’ and it was a revelation really. And what happened in the workshop, was that we spent time on our own in different configurations, and then I think we all sat in the middle and said what it was like to be in that position in the family. What I remember was that… when we spoke about how it was, like it was a revelation to the whole group. I remember people saying :‘God it sounds like hell being an only child’ and that really was like the recognition from other people, from other positions, that ours wasn’t a privileged position it was absolutely horrendous. It was such a self-affirming thing to hear - I’ve never forgotten it really, never forgotten that experience, it was the closeness, it was the possibility of similarity of experience, and confirmation and affirmation from that group, and it was also the recognition by the others, that was so profound." Kate
The Abstract of my doctoral research
This research is a phenomenological investigation into the experiences of adult only children where I have attempted to let the various phenomena emerge from the data, generated through a narrative and heuristic approach. My initial question arose from my own experience of being an only child in a predominantly sibling society, where I was aware that having no siblings was seen as both a lack and an unfair advantage. This ever-present social aspect has undoubtedly influenced my sense of self and I was curious to see if this was true of other only children.
I did not set out to do a comparative study, as the stereotypes surrounding only children have themselves grown out of a comparison of children with siblings. A childhood with siblings is the social norm, this has resulted in a pathologising and stereotyping of the only child experience. In an attempt to transcend this, I have explored what has revealed itself in the data, leaving me with two questions. Firstly, ‘What are the developmental implications when the primary mode of relating in childhood is towards adults rather than children?’ and secondly, ‘How does a person who has not experienced siblings, relate to those who have siblings?’ I would argue the first question impinges on the second and led me to examine the psychological literature to explore this matter further. What emerges from this research and exploration has important implications for the practice of psychotherapy.
Introduction
Alfred Adler 1927 reprinted 1992:130
“The only child is of course in a very special situation. He is at the utter mercy of his education. His parents, so to speak, have no choice; they focus all their attention on their only child. He becomes extremely dependent, always waiting for someone to show him the way, and searching for support at all times. Indulged throughout his life he is quite unused to difficulties, because someone has smoothed his path for him. Being constantly the centre of attention he very easily acquires the feeling that he is a very valuable person indeed. His position is so difficult that he is almost certain to pick up misconceptions about life. If the parents understand the dangers of his situation, to be sure, they can prevent many of them, but at best it remains a difficult problem.
Parents of ‘only’ children are frequently exceptionally pious people to whom life seems full of dangers and temptations. They therefore treat their child in an exaggeratedly concerned and caring manner. The child in turn interprets their concern and warnings as a source of additional pressure. Finally their constant attention to his health and security cause him to see the world as a very hostile place. He may become habitually fearful of difficulties, which he approaches awkwardly, having only experienced the pleasant things in life. Such children have problems with every independent activity, and sooner or later become unfitted for life. They are sure to meet with disasters along life’s way. They are like parasites who do nothing, but enjoy life while everyone else cares for their wants.”
Being an only-child in a predominantly sibling society, is seen as both a lack and an unfair advantage. Psychotherapists such as Adler (1927), quoted above, have helped build prejudice. His views on only children, presumably taken from his practice, give a negative stance encapsulating society’s views in the early 20th century. However he also refers to certain difficulties only-children may experience, issues which have appeared in my own research, such as dependency, over-protection, feeling special, parental pressure and anxiety.
Social views are very powerful and the negative image attributed to onlies has been detrimental to how only-children see themselves, and affects their self-image. This ever-present negative social perspective has undoubtedly influenced my own identity and I was curious to see if this was true of other only-children. Reading the book ‘The Only Child: How to Survive Being One’, by Pitkeathley and Emerson (1994), made me realise that many of the experiences I thought were unique to me, were in fact common only-child experiences. Again I was interested to see if there were also common difficulties only-children bring to therapy.
Already in my practice as a psychotherapist, I had noticed adult and adolescent only-children brought a number of issues that were similar, and I was curious to know more. This led me to consider questions like: ‘What is the range of common only-child experiences?’ What are the developmental implications when the primary mode of relating in childhood is towards adults rather than children’ and ‘How does a person who has not experienced siblings, relate to those who have siblings?
I would like my father to know I am not him but I am me, comfortable with my thoughts and feelings and proud of who I am. (Linda)
To parents:
I want you to know that I am who I am – a separate identifiable person who has his own thoughts and ways of being, who is what he is and is not going to change for you. (David)
To others
Please don’t take any aspect of the relationship for granted or assume – acknowledge ME! (Lesley)
To people:
I’ll never ask for your attention unless I really need it;
I may ask softly but when I ask, please listen – by God, its important!
To friends
If I sound too stroppy, please forgive me –
talk to me again – lets not fall out.
To others:
I am very different from you
I cant experience what you have.
There is a whole topic of conversation
that I can never be involved in. (Martha)
To my parents:
I wish I’d had more of a childhood where I could be a child and make a mess!
Extracts from the interviews illustrating some of the findings
I would be in an imaginary world
with a friend
with the cat or
an imaginary horse
playing out things with dolls
moving them about
having imaginary conversations
an awful lot of that
I wonder if there’s a connection
with not actually asking for help
and being an only child
whether you feel like
you’re suppose to just deal with it
on your own
because you always have done
Loneliness as a child
in relationships
in life
It also strikes me
I feel I have always had to cope
There was no-one
to share with as a child
everything fell on my shoulders.
It’s very claustrophobic
there wasn’t any way out
there wasn’t anywhere to go
really trapped in a way
I couldn’t bypass them
I couldn’t get anywhere
without going through either mum or dad
I always felt if there’d been two of us
it would have been so easy
I think it’s affected my confidence in myself
I was so isolated
it’s narrowed my experience of being a child
in the way I feel –
I very much lived in an adult world
a lost, lonely figure
is the image I now see
No-one to be a child with
It was kind of not feeling met
at my own pace and space
Not having space to express myself
There was so much intensity
a lot of the time
So for me the being ordinary
was a real sense of realisation and freedom –
being like other people
belonging and not having to be special…
Something that I really valued
about being an only child
is I’ve kept some continuity
of dreaming experiences
and imagination into my adult life –
I didn’t have to test it against other kids
I never had to lose it
I have quite a long memory of childhood
books and images and thoughts
dreams and things
when both my parents go
it’s just me in the world
that’s another reason why
I think my personal life
more important than a career
I was the only one
who was an only child
I actually felt
awkwardness
embarrassment
I actually felt
ashamed
I felt like
I was different
not as good
something wrong
with me
my family
I actually felt ashamed
my house always seemed terribly quiet
my dad always played music
but there wasn’t life there
there wasn’t people
there wasn’t lots going on
I think it was those sorts of experiences
when I was younger
that highlighted the fact
that sometimes it felt very lonely
Other people reactions
when they find out
you’re an only child
they think its all good
a very positive thing
- Oh you’re spoilt
- got everything
- life’s a dream
She desperately wanted
to be with me
all the time
She’d really wanted a baby
I meant so much
but it was claustrophobic
I couldn’t just do things
I wanted to do
even as a young child
When I stood up to my mother
a year ago by saying
I can’t look after you any more!
Well I remember her first reaction
was to beat her fists on the bed and say –
You’ve won! You’ve won! You’ve won!
And it felt terrifying
really terrifying
I had to separate myself from her
because in many ways
she was too much
she was too close…
it felt like she wanted to run my life for me
The stereotypes that I used to get
when I was younger
from friends who had siblings
was the spoilt aspect
of course you're spoilt!
It feels like:
I was my parent’s creation
and they owned me
And in detaching myself from that
they can no longer exist.
I’m actually very frightened
of doing what I actually want to do
always choosing to do the sensible thing
not make too many waves
I am independent
I’m very independent
I’m prepared to do
everything on my own
its only recently
I’ve realized
that’s what I’m doing
and I don’t want to do it
all on my own
I think you take on this responsibility
for everyone else’s emotions
if somebody is angry
you’ve done something wrong
to make them angry
it’s your responsibility
to make them feel better
To parents:
I want you to know that I am who I am – a separate identifiable person who has his own thoughts and ways of being, who is what he is and is not going to change for you. (David)
To others
Please don’t take any aspect of the relationship for granted or assume – acknowledge ME! (Lesley)
To people:
I’ll never ask for your attention unless I really need it;
I may ask softly but when I ask, please listen – by God, its important!
To friends
If I sound too stroppy, please forgive me –
talk to me again – lets not fall out.
To others:
I am very different from you
I cant experience what you have.
There is a whole topic of conversation
that I can never be involved in. (Martha)
To my parents:
I wish I’d had more of a childhood where I could be a child and make a mess!
Extracts from the interviews illustrating some of the findings
I would be in an imaginary world
with a friend
with the cat or
an imaginary horse
playing out things with dolls
moving them about
having imaginary conversations
an awful lot of that
I wonder if there’s a connection
with not actually asking for help
and being an only child
whether you feel like
you’re suppose to just deal with it
on your own
because you always have done
Loneliness as a child
in relationships
in life
It also strikes me
I feel I have always had to cope
There was no-one
to share with as a child
everything fell on my shoulders.
It’s very claustrophobic
there wasn’t any way out
there wasn’t anywhere to go
really trapped in a way
I couldn’t bypass them
I couldn’t get anywhere
without going through either mum or dad
I always felt if there’d been two of us
it would have been so easy
I think it’s affected my confidence in myself
I was so isolated
it’s narrowed my experience of being a child
in the way I feel –
I very much lived in an adult world
a lost, lonely figure
is the image I now see
No-one to be a child with
It was kind of not feeling met
at my own pace and space
Not having space to express myself
There was so much intensity
a lot of the time
So for me the being ordinary
was a real sense of realisation and freedom –
being like other people
belonging and not having to be special…
Something that I really valued
about being an only child
is I’ve kept some continuity
of dreaming experiences
and imagination into my adult life –
I didn’t have to test it against other kids
I never had to lose it
I have quite a long memory of childhood
books and images and thoughts
dreams and things
when both my parents go
it’s just me in the world
that’s another reason why
I think my personal life
more important than a career
I was the only one
who was an only child
I actually felt
awkwardness
embarrassment
I actually felt
ashamed
I felt like
I was different
not as good
something wrong
with me
my family
I actually felt ashamed
my house always seemed terribly quiet
my dad always played music
but there wasn’t life there
there wasn’t people
there wasn’t lots going on
I think it was those sorts of experiences
when I was younger
that highlighted the fact
that sometimes it felt very lonely
Other people reactions
when they find out
you’re an only child
they think its all good
a very positive thing
- Oh you’re spoilt
- got everything
- life’s a dream
She desperately wanted
to be with me
all the time
She’d really wanted a baby
I meant so much
but it was claustrophobic
I couldn’t just do things
I wanted to do
even as a young child
When I stood up to my mother
a year ago by saying
I can’t look after you any more!
Well I remember her first reaction
was to beat her fists on the bed and say –
You’ve won! You’ve won! You’ve won!
And it felt terrifying
really terrifying
I had to separate myself from her
because in many ways
she was too much
she was too close…
it felt like she wanted to run my life for me
The stereotypes that I used to get
when I was younger
from friends who had siblings
was the spoilt aspect
of course you're spoilt!
It feels like:
I was my parent’s creation
and they owned me
And in detaching myself from that
they can no longer exist.
I’m actually very frightened
of doing what I actually want to do
always choosing to do the sensible thing
not make too many waves
I am independent
I’m very independent
I’m prepared to do
everything on my own
its only recently
I’ve realized
that’s what I’m doing
and I don’t want to do it
all on my own
I think you take on this responsibility
for everyone else’s emotions
if somebody is angry
you’ve done something wrong
to make them angry
it’s your responsibility
to make them feel better
Poem from the workshop: - October 23rd 2004
Daddy I needed you to help me grow up
become more balanced,
less worried,
less temperamental,
less emotionally needy
I know you are pleased
with what I am
more than my mother
but you still expect me
to watch over you
Mummy, I needed you
to be less possessive
less doting
you wanted me to be
your shadow
your re-incarnation
your chance to have another life
to compensate for your failed one
Now I am so messed up
I don’t know how to move on
I want to have what most people have emotionally
let me go
let me be free
I will still love you much,
too much
If only I had not been
a good girl
If only I had not been
so obedient
Some day I’ll understand
why it has been so difficult
to keep afloat
