Guest Onlies

The Idyllic Life of an only child (part 2)

I have received a number of emails as a result of my post last year “The Idyllic Life of an only child” which I would like to share, although the emails were posted as a response on the webpage above. I particularly wanted to share this post  as it very balanced and makes useful points, specially around the impact of emotionally distant parents, in a thoughtful fashion. Hello everyone, I am an adult only and as I reflect on my childhood and teenage life with emotionally distant parents – who, in all honesty I believe didn’t plan for a baby, had no real solid careers each, and therefore probably didn’t really want one; in my father’s words “She (mother) wasn’t doing anything so she thought she would have you” – I can truly say that being ‘only’ HAS affected me negatively. I do not care (but am willing to listen [...]

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A Shout Out! – from a parent of an only

When an only child marries an only child, and then has one child, the situation can seem quite isolating for that child. I know as an only, married to an only, this was behind my decision to have a second child. I also have learned that for many people having a second child is often prompted by the feeling that an only child will be alone in the world once the parents die. However this is not the end of the story. I have friends who are adult onlies, who have chosen to find other onlies to make friends with, to support each other over the ups and downs of parents ageing and the inevitable sense of loss when they are gone. I received this email, which I think sounds like a good idea, to create a group of friends etc. to support a son who is an only child. [...]

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A perspective from the 1950′s. One I relate to!

Bernice: I was very touched when I read this email as much of it  resonates with my experience – The difficulties in concentrating when there are others around, or when the TV is on -a result of also  growing up in a quiet household. The sense of exhaustion I often feel in groups or anywhere where I encounter a lot of people. Talking out loud to myself – I still do and my children make fun of me when they see my lips moving. I have modified this to silent chatter! Fears of ‘making a mistake’ or ‘getting into trouble’ are certainly things I remember vividly as a younger person. Have a read and see if you resonate wit any of this too! Guest: I am an only child born in 1954. I vividly remember starting school at age 5. I can even remember the fabric on a classmate’s dress. [...]

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A perspective from the 1970′s

Hi Bernice, I am 32 years old, an only child born in Poland and now living in the UK. Happily married to a man much older than me and enjoying bringing up my two young children. My parents still live in Poland. I text my mum everyday and we speak on the phone once a week. Part of me is happy with the decision I made while another part cannot shake off the feeling of guilt. Back in Poland, over 10 years ago, I felt I was just a ‘background’, an attachment to their life, a bit of a nuisance – they were pursuing their careers and filled their spare time with gardening and other ‘useful’ things. Things had to have their purpose, not much room for fun. They chose not to have a second child – and perhaps they still think it was a good choice, or maybe they regret it now, as they are on their own. I’m a [...]

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A perspective from the 1960′s

Hi Bernice I am responding to your request for OC experiences. Hopefully my experiences will be of some support towards your research in understanding the many individual experiences and outcomes towards OC adults. My parents were both career minded people not wanting children until I accidentally came along well into their late thirties.  They were certainly ill equipped to have children, and were fairly set in their ways by this time, both extremely self absorbed people.  Both parents  had siblings and parents, and came from some level of dysfunction and anger on both sides. Losing parents early I lost both parents in my early 20s leaving me alone in the world, as a young mother, with no tools or social guidelines of how to reach out to others.  What amplifies my OC experience was that at their passings, although extended family existed, no connections had been made rendering  me completely alone [...]

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A perspective from the 1940′s

Dear Bernice The other night I could not sleep as I was so full of anger and frustration. I wondered if it was anything to do with being an only child and I looked on the internet to see if there was anything about it there. I found your site, amongst others, and was amazed at the similar experiences of only children and their partners, especially the dealing with conflict part. I am an only child, now in my seventies My parents married young and parted when I was born, not at that time because they did not get on but because of my father joining the RAF. Apparently he was in a reserved occupation and only joined up when there was an announcement for volunteers by young men (even if they were in reserved occupations) to join the Air Force if they were in reserved occupations. My father immediately volunteered and became a pilot. My mother was apparently not impressed with [...]

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A perspective from 21st Century- 14 year old

 My four issues Hi Bernice I’m an only child (14 yrs old) and have been looking around the web for a site such as yours because I’m trying to list the problems that being an only child can cause. [Issue 1] I’ve accepted that my parents are too old to have another child, but it is something I’ve always wanted regardless. I would substitute for a dog, but the ‘rents don’t want one. [Issue 2] My best-friend (a fellow only) and I have what one could only call a sister bond, sometimes because I always take care of her, give her a shoulder to cry on. [Issue 3] I have a very tenuous relationship with my parents, and I suspect because of having 100% attention 24/7, I’ve found my own ways to rebel against them by sometimes being difficult and lazy. Because there’s no example for either my parents or myself to follow, I don’t really know how to talk [...]

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Only child of the 80′s

Here is another post of an only child, Lucy, describes growing up in the 80′s and some of the good and bad aspects of that experience. The significance of ageing parents is notable, especially as the relationship has at times been difficult, perhaps in part because of the older nature of the parents. I think this is a case of over-protective parenting. Whilst over-protective parenting may be seen as love it can also be detrimental to the separation process of a child from their parent. This shows itself in Lucy’s guilty feelings and difficulties in feeling okay about saying no to the pressure of being continually in contact and the sense of not being seen as an adult/grown-up either by them or by herself. Still there are lots of good things too – so have a read! Lucy: I’m a nearly 40 something only child which has had some good [...]

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A perspective from the 1990′s

I’m 15 years old and all my life I have hated being an only child.  I only had time to skim through a couple of your stories in the research section and the first two I read definitely stood out to me.  People always think I’m spoiled, but it’s not true at all and I often envy other people with siblings.  I think one time I was at the grocery store and I saw these two siblings fighting over something.  It was so cute how the little girl admired her brother so much and wanted to be just like him but at the same time was so mad at him for pushing her.  The next time I looked over she was holding his hand and he was pushing her away out of “embarrassment”.  I think I almost started crying right there and I’m not a very emotional person.  I knew [...]

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