Emails

Some recent emails describing the only-child expereince

Bernice: Here are two emails from different parts of the world, both have families and are happy but have had challenges as only-children. A Female only: I am profoundly deaf, age 45 and loving partner with 2 teenagers and a baby. I live in Essex, my father passed away 12 years ago and my mum live in Warwickshire. I’m an only child which I do hate be an only child and often find lonely. It’s took me long time to realise what kind of my mum is and I think my mum might be a Narcissistic because for example my mum and her sister are looking after my grandmother whose have dementia. This week my aunt is away in holiday so I asked mum can she come over to see me because mum haven’t meet my 3 months old daughter yet. So mum said mum is unwell with ear pain, long term sinus and piles which she claimed the nurse [...]

Read more…

Do all adolescence feel lonely? Are elderly parents a problem for everyone?

I found your website when researching literature for my undergraduate psychology project regarding only children. I felt compelled to submit my experiences. I am an only child myself and have chosen to have one daughter. Growing up I thought that I felt lonely, but have subsequently wondered whether this is a feeling experienced by all adolescents and that, being an only child, there seems to be an obvious ‘reason’ for it. Having read some of the posts, especially those posted by teenagers, there seems to be a lot of recurring themes about issues with parents, too much time spent with them, or changes in the relationships that they have with them. Surely this is the case in most families when children reach that age? It certainly seems as though the negative is emphasised. So, to those people that are worried about things like their ageing parents and the responsibility which [...]

Read more…

Are parents from large families more likely to be enmeshed with their only child?

I was very happy to receive this email, its always nice to receive positive feedback so I thought I would share it. Despite having several times half written an ‘e’ version of my research, at present my one book is still very expensive which is sadly the case with academic books. My writer refers to a story about “Sofia” which illustrated the importance of witness in an onlies life, meaning an acknowledgment of the experience both positive and negative of growing up as an only child. “Today I was fortunate to read your book “Only-Child Experience and Adulthood”. What a great body of work! One part of the book that stood out most to me was Sofia’s story. You described how she had seen various therapists before, but you were the first to help her see herself in both an objective and subjective way. I can’t assume the birth orders [...]

Read more…

Are you a parent of an only-child teenager?

I wonder if anyone would be willing to help Ameerah Khadaroo with his Doctoral research? I think it is great when people want to research the lives and aspects of only-children, so if you are a parent of an only-child teenager, please read! Bernice Ameerah Khadaroo  writes: I am a PhD Psychology student at Warwick University and I am currently researching parenting of single-child and two-child families in the UK. This research will help to find out more about how families withonly children differ from those with more than one child during the teenage years. With growing numbers of couples having only one child, this would be important and relevant not just for parents and academics, but for all those who work with children. I am looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part by both the adolescent and the parents completing some online questionnaires. At a later date, some [...]

Read more…

An email from a partner of an only

I think it is always useful to receive emails from non-onlies who have partners who are onlies as it gives us an outsider perspective. This email, from “June”, shows some of the difficulties I have outlined in my series of posts entitled: Are only child adults difficult partners?  some of the aspects that can arise in relationships. In this email the balance of attention and power in partner relationships versus  parent ones are discussed and I would love to hear some view points from people in a similar position. Bernice  I am the partner of an only child who has a very close relationship with his mother. She is divorced from his father and lives alone in another country. He moved away to live with his father (due to better schooling opportunities/ a scholarship) when he was 13 and I think he has felt guilty about this ever since. His mother re-married [...]

Read more…

How only child prejudice affects the family

I received this email from ‘Jo’ which I think contrasts very well both the prejudice parents of only children face as well as that of only-children themselves. Jo also describes how the idea of a sibling is so dear to her as well. I am so thankful to find your site! I have often times thought of starting something of my own in order to connect with other “onlies.” I have always hated being the only child. Both of my parents come from large families, and I had many cousins. All of them except one had siblings. Even though I knew I was loved by them, I always felt different, an outsider. Another problem I encountered was the prejudice against only children: As a child I was very sensitive to what others would say. I wanted to fit in. In Kindergarten I made up a story that I had several [...]

Read more…

Parent or Spouse – who comes first?

Bernice: I received this email, which I found very touching and shows the difficult dilemmas an adult only-child faces when they feel divided between a parent and a spouse. I have placed the dilemmas in the text first, and the life story after so people can understand the dilemmas in context. In my next post I will attempt to offer some understanding of the situation and possible ways forward. Dilemmas: My problem is that I don’t know how to split myself…. I need my mom in my life. I need her close to me; I need to see her every day. In fact, I see her every single day and if she is in Colombia we talk twice a day and if we don’t I feel guilty. I don’t know how to divide myself. I want to spend time with my mom, and if possible with my husband too (which if [...]

Read more…

Only-Child Research: the therapist as only-child

Over the last ten years, of my own only-child adult research, I have also encouraged other people with theirs. Here is a piece of research Carla Preston is undertaking for her Psychotherapy MA. It is particularly specific to people in the profession of counselling and psychotherapy, so I hope anyone in that position will feel able to take part in this useful research so that we can continue to expand the knowledge of the only child experience. Bernice Research Question Being Everything:  An exploration into the relational impact on the therapy when a therapist is an only-child.   Carla Preston I am a Humanistic counsellor studying for my Masters in Integrative Psychotherapy and I am in the process of starting to write my thesis about the experience of therapists who are only-children.  My interest stems from my own work in therapy and discussion about my relating patterns which might be a result of my upbringing as an only child. As a child I felt and still as an [...]

Read more…

Finally I find out “it’s not just me!”

I came across this site by accident and was astonished and grateful to find that my experiences as an only child are reflected in other people’s lives. Logically that’s not surprising but in reality I’ve found it to never happen. I’m an only child of 55 whose Mother died just over a month ago, my Father a few years ago, I don’t know when. I, too, felt that I had been adopted when I was around 8 because I began to realise that life for others in larger families was not quite like mine. All my life I’ve felt that I just didn’t measure up and took a conscious decision to be as unlike my parents as I could be. My Father left and the emotional blackmail started from my Mother which has lasted all my life. My Mother’s death has finally freed me and her last acts confirmed that [...]

Read more…

A classic only child upbringing?

When I was younger I experienced the classic only child upbringing and although I always wondered why I did not have siblings and often wishing I had built in playmates, my only child status does not get to me as it does now. I believe that my only child status helped me to be more creative, comfortable with being alone and willing to take social risks. In terms of being able to relate to the world at large I think it has been a plus, I am comfortable diffusing energy….in terms of intense one-on-one relationships I feel that I have always been at a disadvantage, feeling a kind of discomfort that I felt in my own intense mother-father-daughter triad I worked hard at adopting myself to large gregarious family situations…friends with lots of sibs, cousins and co-housing with lots of roomates are just a few examples. I feel that I [...]

Read more…

← Previous Entries