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Only-Child Research: the therapist as only-child

Over the last ten years, of my own only-child adult research, I have also encouraged other people with theirs. Here is a piece of research Carla Preston is undertaking for her Psychotherapy MA. It is particularly specific to people in the profession of counselling and psychotherapy, so I hope anyone in that position will feel able to take part in this useful research so that we can continue to expand the knowledge of the only child experience. Bernice Research Question Being Everything: An exploration into the relational impact on the therapy when a therapist is an only-child. Carla Preston I am a Humanistic counsellor studying for my Masters in Integrative Psychotherapy and I am in the process of starting to write my thesis about the experience of therapists who are only-children. My interest stems from my own work in therapy and discussion about my relating patterns which might be a result of my upbringing as an only child. As a child I felt and still as an [...]

Finally I find out “it’s not just me!”

I came across this site by accident and was astonished and grateful to find that my experiences as an only child are reflected in other people’s lives. Logically that’s not surprising but in reality I’ve found it to never happen. I’m an only child of 55 whose Mother died just over a month ago, my Father a few years ago, I don’t know when. I, too, felt that I had been adopted when I was around 8 because I began to realise that life for others in larger families was not quite like mine. All my life I’ve felt that I just didn’t measure up and took a conscious decision to be as unlike my parents as I could be. My Father left and the emotional blackmail started from my Mother which has lasted all my life. My Mother’s death has finally freed me and her last acts confirmed that [...]

A classic only child upbringing?

When I was younger I experienced the classic only child upbringing and although I always wondered why I did not have siblings and often wishing I had built in playmates, my only child status does not get to me as it does now. I believe that my only child status helped me to be more creative, comfortable with being alone and willing to take social risks. In terms of being able to relate to the world at large I think it has been a plus, I am comfortable diffusing energy….in terms of intense one-on-one relationships I feel that I have always been at a disadvantage, feeling a kind of discomfort that I felt in my own intense mother-father-daughter triad I worked hard at adopting myself to large gregarious family situations…friends with lots of sibs, cousins and co-housing with lots of roomates are just a few examples. I feel that I [...]

Family Dilemmas

When parents are elderly Some of the issues on this site apply to me, I think, but not all. My Mom had several miscarriages and still-births so after 8 years of trying (8 failed attempts) I arrived on the scene; my mum has a self-confidence issue so I think went from being a “failure” to being a “success” as her 6 brothers mainly all had children. When I went to Uni I partly based my choices on where would be beyond a day’s journey from home and I remember thinking when my own daughter was born “Mum won’t kill herself now if anything happens to me.” I understand why my mum was (and is!) the way she is and we have a good relationship that I wouldn’t say is dependent, but partly because I lived in France for 5 years after University and I think she learned to deal with [...]

What are the issues for adult onlies?

I’m a 31 year old only child (female). I had lots of friends and I can’t remember ever feeling lonely, like other people on your site. I always found it easy to make friends when I was at school and growing up. I still have a good group of very close (mainly female) friends and we are a bit of a urban family in London. However, now I’m single in my 30s after one long relationship in my 20s and I am of the mind set that I’m better off on my own – I don’t know if this is because of being an only child? I feel like what’s the point of trusting a man to make you happy, I’m better off on my own. I can spend time (and often need to be) on my own quite happily, unlike most of my friends who seem to crave constant company. I also try not to rely on anyone, too much (in case they [...]

Can you tell me more about only child issues?

I came across your website while looking for information on only children and was compelled to write a thought or two. I am my mother’s only child and I’m also am the mother of an only daughter who is just about to turn five. In reading through the experiences of only children that were posted I was struck by, more than anything else, the sense that because of who a person is and by being raised as an “only”, the person is somehow lacking. I have had many years of therapy sorting through my “issues”. I have learned over time that the more I blame my parents, or even the circumstances of my childhood, the worse I feel. It doesn’t help me to focus on what could have been at all. My parents are who they are. Our circumstances were as they were. They loved me and sometimes they were [...]

Being judged for being an only child

I used to get really fed up of people assuming I must be spoilt because of being an only child. I did feel it was looked on as a bad thing to be even though it was not my choice to be an only and I actually felt lonely sometimes and wanted a brother or sister (I told my mother this many times and finally gave up asking for one at about the age of 12). I felt judged negatively for something that was not my fault, but I don’t remember anyone judging my parents for it. I also had my mother say I was such hard work, which made me think I was worse than most children. I have three children and was determined not to have only one child. A few years ago someone got very offended because she has only one child by choice and I said [...]

Sharing what it feels like to be an only

I suppose I was compelled to write to you simply because I have never encountered anyone who wanted to know, in some depth, what it felt like to be an only child. Although I have had some experience of personal therapy, my experience of being an only child has come up in the context of other matters, not as a matter for examination itself. I suppose this is the nature of therapy, one deals with what arises in the time and space, and the fact of my ‘onliness’ has never been, of itself, a topic in the therapeutic space. I have no doubt, however, that having brought it to the fore, I will take it to my personal therapy. My impulse to write to you signifies to me that this is something that needs to be used in my therapy, which begins next week.  Some of what I remember is my [...]

← Previous Entries

Emails

Only-Child Research: the therapist as only-child

Finally I find out “it’s not just me!”

A classic only child upbringing?

Family Dilemmas

What are the issues for adult onlies?

Can you tell me more about only child issues?

Being judged for being an only child

Sharing what it feels like to be an only

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