Bernice’s Articles

How siblings help us ‘to see’ ourselves

We have recently had a number of posts from parents of onlies and also some onlies themselves, who have not been particularly happy about being the only child in the family. I thought I would post some of my own thoughts and experiences to add to this discussion. I believe the only-child experience, that is growing up with no siblings with whom to interact is a different one. Whilst it is not unique it is still different to one where a child has the opportunity to grow up with siblings.  Siblings like parents, mirror you and teach you things about yourself. Parents primarily engage with us in caring ways, and model adult aspects of behaviour and emotional intelligence. From this we can learn to grow up and mature and also have the image of ourselves as warm, confident, and loving people, as this is what has hopefully been mirrored to [...]

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Daniel: Breaking the ties of enmeshment (part 3)

In my previous post I looked at how Dawn was able to separate emotionally, physically and financially from her mother. I will now explore Daniel’s experience. He also had problems with psychological separation from both his parents, but in a different way with each, as he fought to retain a sense of self and not be caught in the middle of his parents’ relationship.  Daniel: Caught in the web of enmeshment Daniel is in his forties but has never left home and works for his father in the family business. His father relies on him quite heavily and it is difficult for Daniel to have an adult-to-adult relationship with him as his son. This has made their relationship problematic over the years, particularly after his parents’ divorce. Daniel lives with his mother who is very dependent on him for all sorts of support, and in many ways Daniel has become [...]

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Dawn: Moving from dependence to independence (part 2)

In this post I am taking up where I left off in: Why should we try and disentangle our self from an enmeshed relationship?  I am going to describe Dawn as someone who gives us an insight into how difficult it can be to leave home and be independent when the pressure from a parent to stay is considerable. However with support  the importance of making this decision at any age is possible and beneficial to all. Dawn: Going from in-dependence to independence Living with her mother, Dawn has never felt able to leave home, particularly since her father died. Her mother was widowed in her forties and although Dawn had a brief time apart from her family when she went to college, once she began teaching she found it more convenient to live at home. Her mother actively encouraged this, she did not work and Dawn’s father was away [...]

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How to disentangle oneself from an enmeshed relationship (part 1)

Why should we try and disentangle our self from an enmeshed relationship? The reasons, as I stated in my previous post, are that when psychological separation is missing, the following can occur: A lack of a sense of self A lack of control over one’s life A potential for low self-esteem A feeling of being a ‘victim’ rather than an ‘author’ of one’s life. I would add to this, that one of the difficulties of being enmeshed as a child is that we do not know any other way to relate to others. It means we take this pattern of relating and do the same to our partner, and child/ren and this can feel very suffocating to the recipient. Especially when this is passed on to ones child/ren, because it does not facilitate them acquiring healthy psychological development.  So how do we disentangle our selves from an enmeshed relationship? If [...]

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Is Lauren Sandler right to say one-child families are happier?

Barbara MacMahon, Times June 15th http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/life/families/article3791173.ece Well this old chestnut returns again! Barbara MacMahon’s article in the Times describes the controversy surrounding Lauren Sandlers new book “One and Only’ — the Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One. Lauren Sandler has been surprised by the level of criticism she has received on her opinion from various people, that only children are not disadvantaged, specifically British author Zadie Smith. Apparently, Louise Doughty is also very scathing about Lauren Sandlers research (Guardian Friday 14 June 2013). Having been interviewed by Lauren when she was researching her book our dialogue on the only child experience seems a little different to what is being stated here by Barbara MacMahon: “In her book Sandler debunks many of these myths. Hundreds of studies, she says, show that being raised alone makes little difference to the person you turn out to be and that there can [...]

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How having children gave me a new perspective on sibling-relationships

I don’t think it was until I had children that I fully began to understand the extent of what I had missed out, both good and bad, on being brought up an only child. Watching my children play, argue, compete as well as ignore each other, I began to get a flavour of what it would be like to have a sibling. I could see having another child around had its own challenges and I also became very aware how children with sibling/s inevitably fight for attention from a parent. However I also realised that whilst they did not always get on at least there was always someone of a close enough age to be alongside with. Okay, this could lead to conflict but on the whole I found they enjoyed each other’s company and relished the times they played together. When conflict did emerge they did not shy away from it like I would have done  - they battled it out, shouting at each other, slamming doors and sometimes trying to make me [...]

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Only-child Challenges and How Counsellors Can Help. ©

The Journal of Counselling Children and Adolescence: October 2006 by Dr Bernice Sorensen An only-child’s experience of growing up without siblings may mean that they are unprepared for many of the emotional and social demands of formal education. Even as young adults, an only-child can find the tension between their need for separateness and togetherness difficult to negotiate. Counsellors can offer a great deal to these young people when sensitive to some of the challenges they face. A recent article in the TES (1) reported that most teachers did not think only-children had special problems. However, a new project was set up to train ‘listeners’, in the Durham area found that 50% of the first referrals were only-children. My own experience of only-children is three-fold. First as an only-child, I am well aware of the challenges I met interacting with others and negotiating both friendships and intimate relationships as a [...]

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Not Special but Different: The Only Child Experience ©

Self and Society: May 2006 Edition By Dr Bernice Sorensen As part of a doctorate in psychotherapy, I have been researching the experiences of adult only children. As an only child I was curious to know if other adult only children had comparable experiences to myself and if these were in any way peculiar to only children. During my research experiences emerged that were common to only children though not exclusive to them. By using in depth interviews as well as message boards and chat rooms on the internet, I began to notice that these experiences were important to both men and women and appeared true of adult onlies in the UK, the US, Canada and Australia. I also interviewed therapists who worked specifically with this group, to see if their clinical experiences reflected similar themes. Finally, I co-facilitated workshops, with an only child male therapist, on issues such as [...]

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Spoilt or Spoiled: The shame of being an only ©

Therapy Today Vol 17 No 3, 24.02.06 Dr. Bernice Sorensen       Are you an only child? Haven’t you got any brothers or sisters? my heart sinks my stomach turns I fear the next remarks – I expect your mum and dad spoil you – don’t they? I smile wanly what can I say? If I say yes – heads nod knowingly If I say no – eyebrows raise ever so slightly in disbelief I can’t win I say nothing I look down shuffle my shoes feel ashamed. When I wrote these stanzas, reflecting on my experience of growing up an only-child in the 1950’s, I was unaware how significant they would be. My subsequent doctoral research into the experiences of adult only-children exposed issues that revealed a covert level of shame as a central issue which for many only-children led to a shame based personality persisting into adulthood. [...]

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