Bernice responds

Parenting the Parent

I’m 23, and an only. I was searching through the articles as I am curious about my extreme need to be detached from my only parent but could not find anything relating to this in your posts. From my understanding many onlies are super attached to their parents. I am the only child of a single mother. My father had a stroke when I was 2 and I helped care for him from 3 to 6. Then he was moved into a nursing home because my mother couldn’t care for him anymore. Now as a young adult I look back and realize from when I was 15 up to present I am very detached from mom. Almost to the point of annoyance any time she contacts me. I mentioned 15 particularly because when I was 15 my mother and her boyfriend got into a drunken argument that resulted in them fighting and him going to bed. She proceeded to get [...]

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Only-child Aloneness

There are many ways and times we as only-child adults can feel alone. In childhood it is often the lack of a sibling that brings about feelings of aloneness. ‘Tina’ writes how this gap can be filled by only-child friends or cousins which, as a result, can feel particularly important to us. However what happens if you find this close only-child now finds that they have a sibling they did not know about? How would it affect you? Or your other close relationships? I know from my research, that when one only child married to another, suddenly found that her husband had three siblings, she felt extremely rejected. He was over the moon but even years later she finds it difficult to accept this completely new position both she and he has – especially as she has always wanted siblings herself. Of course often the greatest feeling of aloneness is [...]

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When having another child is not an option – yet families are still stereotyped as selfish

I received this email which I think is very heartfelt and I wanted to post it as so often families with only one child are stereotyped as selfish.  I believe that having one child does not mean a child has a worse upbringing, just a different one. Here is the story and my reply below: Sarah’s story Both my husband and I have siblings, I am the middle of three and my husband is the youngest of four. My husband spent most of his childhood alone – his siblings didn’t want to play with the youngest child and he never got new clothes or shoes, always the hand me downs. As the youngest, he also felt he needed to stay at home with his parents, who had started to struggle financially and felt envious that his siblings had been allowed to leave the home without any guilt. I also argued [...]

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A follow on from the ‘negative side’ of having one child

I receive many emails from mothers and sometimes fathers who are not sure whether  to have another child or not, so I thought I would post this recent email from a younger only child adult. Whist ideally no parent gets divorced or looses a partner – leaving them alone with just a child for company. The reality is that it can happen, and will put an extra strain on one child who may not have another person to talk too. This is the ‘role reversal’ the writer speaks about. Having to ‘parent a parent’ can be extremely damaging to adolescent development, particularly when they are the only one to support a parent. This is because the young person cannot get on and develop the ability to psychologically separate from a parent who is relying on them emotionally. This will keep them in a semi-dependent state until the parent is ready [...]

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Never have just one!

Here is an email sharing the experience of going through your parents divorce as an only child and the repercussions which ensue. I personally resonated with similar messages I received as an only – ‘that I was lucky’! not to have a sibling. However I have found that most onlies do not feel particularly lucky having missed out on the rough and tumble of sibling activity or the potential close relationships with a sibling in later life. Particularly as the writer states, dealing with elderly parents can be so much better if there is someone to share the problems and difficulties. As you can read the writer concludes it is far better to have more than one child. I am also aware that this is quite a contentious issue, as there has been a great deal of pressure to make the idea of the one child family the norm. Many [...]

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An email from a partner of an only: negotiation and conflict.

Joanne: I’m married to an only child. He has twin brothers that are 10 years younger than him, and that’s why I consider him an only child. (His parents are still together btw, no separation there) I am an oldest child of eight kids. I read your post about how only children deal with conflict. It was very enlightening and I experience the some of the same issues with my husband. I have been learning more about how he handles conflict since we have been looking for a new house. I have a really hard time getting any kind of resolution or conclusion from our discussions. I usually get very upset because it just seems like he says his piece and then he doesn’t understand my side of the argument. It feels like I can get some kind of closure after an agreement with anyone but my own husband! How [...]

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Jane: Some thoughts on how to break the ties of enmeshment (part 4)

I am so happy to have found your site. Being able to read the stories of other onlies further helps me to understand my feelings and not feel alone in my struggles. I am an only child to a divorced mom/dad.My mom had poor relationships with her mom/dad/siblings and never dated or remarried. To say that I was and am the focus of her life is an understatement to say the least. I am now 37 years old and this constant battle of trying to exert my independence and live my own life is becoming more and more overwhelming. I have 4 children of my own and need her support but the more support I am given the more enmeshment I feel. My emotions are often confusing for me as I feel grateful and intimate with her but then angry and frustrated too. What advice would you provide for me [...]

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Parent or Spouse? : Dealing with Conflict and Anger

In my previous post to C, I outlined the consequences that an enmeshed parental relationship can have on both parties. I will continue with this theme and explore the conflict and anger that these types of relationships can lead to and how this can be challenged in a constructive way. Conflict is a normal part of a relationship because we are individuals with different experiences, expectations, hopes and fears. When we are in a close relationship with anyone there will be times when conflict emerges through difference. This is perfectly healthy. It is how it is managed that can create problems. If we take the enmeshed relationship, where both parties feel responsible for the other and no sense of a separate identity has been encouraged, conflict can feel devastating. It is almost as if you are at war with your self. This is because in a sense you are, having [...]

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Bernice responds to “Parent or Spouse” concerning enmeshment and guilt

Dear C,   Thank you for your email, it raises a lot of issues which I will attempt to answer. The four main issues I see are:  Enmeshment, Guilt, Conflict, Anger. However all of the last three are linked specifically to enmeshment so I will look at this first. From your email I think the biggest problem you face is the fact that neither you nor your mother have been able to form an identity separate from each other. This is always more difficult when a ‘family’ consists of only two members. Even in a so called average family of two parents and 2-3 children this can be difficult especially when a parent has not separated emotionally from their own parent or seeks their identity through merging with their child or children. I have written about what I describe as enmeshment between an only child and one or more of [...]

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How can you support your daughter as an only child?

Hi Bernice I am the mother of a teenage (14 year old) only daughter. Her father and I have always encouraged her to be independent and courageous. She is talented at sports, excels at her school work and is respected by her peers and teachers. Despite all this, she has few close friends and often seems lonely. She is more serious and mature than many of her peers and she is not afraid to speak her mind – which often alienates her from others. She does not ‘suffer fools gladly’. I am starting to feel guilty for her being an only child as she seems unable to form close bonds with others. I don’t know what to do or how to support her in this. Any advice? Bernice replies: My first response is please do not feel guilty there are a lot worse experiences than being an only child! Clearly [...]

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