Bernice responds

I have 5 children and worry about their relationships’….and wish I had a sibling

Bernice: I received this email which resonated very much with me because ‘watching’ people was something I did from a very young age. I also used to have imaginary conversation with them whilst they were talking to someone else. I was very shy as a child so found it hard just to speak to peers so this was a way of observing conversation with out the necessity of actually taking the risk to enter into it! I was fascinated by large families and yes envied them to some extent mostly the fact they could all play board games together and not like me, playing  on my own. However I am also aware tht as I grew older having a sibling seemed less interesting possibility as I became more ware of some of the advantages, mostly economic, that I benefited from. However when I finally did my research on adult only [...]

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Are only children happier? Bernice responds to recent articles that say they are.

Households with a single child now outnumber those with two (by more than half a million) and make up 46 per cent of all families. An article in the The Daily Mail stated that recent research concluded only children were happier than sibling children: Why an only child is happier than those who have brothers and sisters. Similarly the Observer article:  An only child is a happy child  claimed, from the same research: that because children with siblings encounter sibling rivalry and reduced parental attention, and worse still sibling bullying, an only child must be happier simply because they do not have a sibling. More recently “The Week” also published a similar article: Are Only Children Happier? Is this true? First of all, the research as far as I have read, is based on a large scale survey conducted in Britain by the Economic and Social Research Council. It does [...]

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Does birth order matter?

Whilst birth–order as a subject for research is highly debated, many interesting aspects of such research have been collected by Frank Sulloway in his book: Born to Rebel. In my experience only children vary enormously but there are certain characteristics which are not uncommon in people with siblings but often constellate in only children as a result of their parenting – particularly if it has been overly intense which can lead them to be distant and hard to negotiate with. Here is an email, which is an interesting perspective from an eldest child. Bernice Email from Rob I’ve just found your blog and want to tell you how important this has been for me. I’m 42 years old and have just experienced to most upsetting experience of my life with a only child partner that I was deeply committed to and had believed that we both were looking forward to [...]

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Half-siblings

This is the continuing dialogue with Martie in a ‘Dialogue with a parent of an only-child’. I was raised as the youngest of four, and as an only child of my parents; my siblings are my half-siblings. I have spent a good deal of my life wondering what it would have been like to have a “true” sibling, feeling like I missed out on something. Hence, I have deep concern for raising our daughter as an only child. As time has passed, I have come to realize that in all honesty, I do have three siblings, two brothers and one sister. And like many people with siblings, my husband included, I am not close to them, and they are not close to each other. We all have very different personalities, different interests, and we live states apart from one another. Most of my friends are not close to their siblings [...]

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Dialogue with a parent of an only child

I am a mother raising an only child who is about to turn three. While looking up some info on the subject I came across your website. With all due respect to you, what I read was incredibly upsetting!!! Where was the positive side of the subject? Just because you have siblings DOES NOT mean life is a party! I am the youngest of four, and my husband is the youngest of three, and we are on our own. Yes, we know we have someone in the world if there was an emergency but other than that, there is warm and fussy feeling. I think for many people in today’s world, their friends become their family. Martie Bernice Responds I am sorry you found the website so upsetting, I assume from your position as a parent of an only child. However the website is intended for adult only children, to [...]

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Did being an only child affect your parenting?

Email: I was curious to know if you happened to have any children of your own. If so, do you think that being an only child affected how you could relate to them as a parent? My mom says that certain traits she possessed as a child differed from mine because of our birth orders. She was the youngest of many kids, but I was the only one, and sharing is something I sometimes struggle with. Thanks! Bernice’s Response: Yes I have two children! I had one initially and then realsing I was an only and my husband was an only  my son would have neither siblings or cousins which at least we both had- So I decided to have another child very promptly! It was the best decision I ever made because I learn more about sibling interaction from then than I would ever have done otherwise. I have [...]

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Why do you blame all your problems on not having siblings?

Here is the sort of email I often receive which shows how angry people with siblings can be and as you will see it is a lot to do with envy. Envy of the close relationship some onlies have with their parents and envy of the material benefits. Compounded by the fact that of course not everyone gets on with their siblings!! I can’t believe you feel having no brothers or sisters is the root of all onlies’ problems. What about all the miserable people out their WITH siblings?  What do they blame THEIR childhood/adult issues on? I have a sister and I always envied my cousins who were onlies, and I had quite a few of them. They always had nicer things, seemed closer with their parents, grew up and are doing well and are definitely not “alone in the world” as they are married with kids of their [...]

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