Bernice’s Posts

1930′s: Michael Winner: ‘I was an only child and very lonely’

I thought this was an interesting glimpse into a ‘famous’ only child’s life! How many of us like Michael want to hold on to the things in our childhood which gave us enjoyment and meaning. I find it hard to let go some of the things from my childhood especially now my parents are dead. Holding onto those memories via objects which I grew up with seems very important. I wonder if others feel the same? Christopher Middleton’s interview with the film director explains why he is parting with his cherished collection of children’s book illustrations. So what made the famously hard-boiled Winner go gooey over pictures of sprites, fairies and bears? It’s not a matter of getting older: he is 76 now but the collecting started back in 1984, when he was in his pugnacious prime. “I suppose,” he says, after some reflection, “that by buying this children’s art and having it on my walls, I have been doing what I have done my entire [...]

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Do only child adults fit the stereotype of ‘selfish’?

I have written about the so called only child  trait of ‘selfish’ before, linked to the difficulties only child adults find in sharing, and the age old problem of the only child stereotype which depicts only children as spoilt and therefore selfish.  I thought now is a good time  to look at this particular stereotype more closely. Firstly, I believe, the reason why only children are often accused of being selfish is because they do not learn ‘how’ to share from an early age. Parents will share with them but this is often a one way process: the parents give – the child takes.  In the post What should I do, I comment on the need for parents to learn to share decision making, in order to model this way of behaving to their child. Having siblings, enables children to learn the importance of not always going first. Only children do not have this experience of being last or having another child go first. Some parents actively give too much to their [...]

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Relationships: Splitting – difficulties in holding ‘good’ and ‘bad’ simultaneously

One of the behaviours most of us have to learn as we grow up is to hold the good and the bad, whether it be with people, within ourselves or in relationships. ‘Splitting’ is the word usually used when a person is unable to hold both good and bad together in themselves.  What they do instead is accept the good and reject the bad: we only accept what we perceive are the good bits of ourselves and project onto others the bad bits. Similarly with partners we may only accept their ‘good’ parts and and expect them to change their ‘bad ‘parts. Maturity is when we can accept both good and bad in ourselves and others. Here is an example of splitting as an internal defense mechanism:  Jean, an only child, finds it difficult on occasions to bear her anger. When she grew up displaying anger was unacceptable in her family – she was expected to be the ”good girl”.  The reality is she can be nice and also not-so-nice. She can be [...]

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Are only child adults difficult partners? (Parents)

Only child adult challenges in relationships: 1.   Introdcution 2.   Dealing with the need for space and intimacy 3.  Dealing with conflict 4.  Dealing with one’s own parents Continuing with the theme of only child adults as partners, and having looked at the first three of the above four issues, I will now look at the often thorny problem of relationships with parents and how they can impinge on the partnership with the only child adult. Why can parents of onlies be such a problem in a relationship? Well of course like many other situations it is not always the case that parents are a problem! I don’t think my own parents were at all problematic in my relationships. However from the emails I receive and the couples and individuals I have worked with, it is clear that some people do experience problems with what I would describe as the intrusiveness of their parents. A recent post “What do I do?” gives [...]

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Happy New Year 2013!

I just wanted to say a big ‘Thankyou’ to all the people who have contributed to this website and sent emails to me. I really appreciate people’s views and the sharing of experience. We have gone from strength to strength over this last year and now feature high on the search engines. Amazingly we  have over 7000 visits a month. That is more than double the 3000 we achieved  in November 2011! Christmas is not an easy time for us onlies, when people spend so much time with family. It is particularly difficult when we have lost our parents and have few close relations. I always try and remember that true family are those people who we choose to spend our time with, not just those who are our blood relations. I will be taking the month of January off. However I will still be doing my regular posts- continuing with ”Are Only child adults difficult partners?‘, and a new one: “Divided Loyalties: how ‘splitting’ can cause damage in relationships” and a new article from Anna Sansom on [...]

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Are only child adults difficult partners? (Conflict)

Only child adult challenges in relationships: 1.  Introduction 1.   Dealing with the need for space and intimacy 2.  Dealing with conflict 3.  Dealing with one’s own parents I am continuing with the theme of only child adults as partners and having looked at the first two of the four issues I believe only child adult can be challenged by, I am now going to revisit conflict. Dealing with Conflict  I have already written about this in ‘So how does the only child adult deal with conflict?’ which I can sum up here by saying that:- we tend to avoid dealing with it appropriately! Instead, on the one hand, we either deny we are upset, sulk, or walk out or on the other hand, we indulge in out-bursts of fury and hostility. The appropriate way, is to be calm, talk about the issues involved, be open to the other person’s opinion, negotiate and find a win – win solution. Any [...]

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Are only child adults difficult partners? (Space and Intimacy)

Only child adult challenges in relationships: 1.   Introduction 2.  Dealing with the need for space and intimacy 3.  Dealing with conflict 4.  Dealing with one’s own parents This is my second post on ‘Are only children difficult partners?’ All human beings have a need for both intimacy and space. However many adult only children have often been brought up enjoying a lot of personal space, because they have not had to share with this siblings. However experiencing periods of time alone or at least without play mates may mean they and have found important ways to be on there own and use time in ways that does not necessitate people. A lot of only children enjoy their own company (see Trooper and Arianna’s stories). So much so they may choose not to have partners themselves. However those of us who do, may find it hard at times to share space with a partner. Living alone can seem [...]

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Are only child adults difficult partners? (Introduction)

Of course not! I want to take up the challenge offered by ChildOfonly in June 2012: ‘Does Bernice have any suggestions about how to get an only, of whatever age, to start beginning to gain perspective on life?’ I am always very pleased when I get responses to my posts. I do try and incorporate them in updates on new topics or as a result of further ideas that are raised by people’s responses. This series of posts have come out of my thoughts concerning a previous post: ‘So how does the only child adult deal with conflict?’ The responses received from this post were primarily from women who wrote about partners who can only deal with conflict by walking out, as Asmira found: “It was not until I had been married for a few months that I realised this grown up only child didn’t know how to deal with conflict in our relationship. [...]

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Are only children more mature?

Some only child research claims that only children (as children) are more ‘mature’ because they behave in adult-ways rather than child-like ways. Whilst the second part of this statement is probably true i.e. that only children exhibit more adult behaviours, the first part about being more mature is debatable. Most only children spend far more time in adult company, as they miss out on the 33% of time that research has estimated sibling children spend a day with each other. As a result  they learn adult behaviours earlier, which can give them a veneer of maturity. However maturity comes with social interaction with all age groups. For many only children, peer relationships can be less frequent because they have not had  siblings to spend time with. So when they do encounter other children this can be a challenge because they are more used to the ‘rational’ or more ‘adult behaviours’ of adults. [...]

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Why do we expect the world to be fair?

One of the challenges most of us face growing up as an only child, is that we learn to see the world through adult eyes which can led us to expect a level of interaction that puts us at the centre of the life going on around us. At the same time we often have a very ‘positive’ expectation of other peoples’ behaviour. This is not really surprising. Most only children have mature and reasonably responsible parent/s to guide them throughout their early years who do have their best interests at heart. As I have described before, a birth of a sibling gives the opportunity for a child to be ‘dethroned’- that is to have the centrality of our existence in our parent/s eyes taken away with the birth of a sibling. We are no longer the only child in the family, we are now in fact the eldest child [...]

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