Bernice’s Posts

The ‘Negative’ side to being an only child

One of the visitor posts on ‘How only child prejudice affects the family’ states significantly that:  “There is a negative side to being an only child, but this is not often discussed.” I whole-heartedly agree. There seems to be a strong wish to overlook some of the shortcomings that can be a result of being brought up as an only child. The writer, very honestly goes on to say: “I fit all the stereotypes…spoiled, selfish, over-protected. I do not blend in with other people and I do not know how to do things other people do, even basic things like cooking. (What if I burned myself? What if a pot boiled over?) I think the key element here is being over-protected. Not that, of course, all only children are over-protected. At the other end of the spectrum some are in fact quite neglected. However first children are nearly always more [...]

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Are you narcissistic? Is this part of the only-child syndrome?

Returning to the theme in a previous post on narcissism, I thought it would be useful to explore this further, not just about parents of only-child adults, but ourselves as only-children. I have to start by saying I am not a lover of diagnostic titles that pathologies human behaviour. All behaviour is on a spectrum and it is too easy to fall into the trap of thinking you either have a particular diagnosis or you don’t i.e. you are narcissistic or you are not. However it is much truer to ask: Do we all have narcissistic tendencies? and if so, Do only-children have them more than most? As narcissism appears to be at the heart of the negative stereotype of the only child, and part of the so-called ‘only-child syndrome’ I think it is a useful idea to explore. Lets start by looking at what is seen to be narcissistic [...]

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Christmas: festive or lonely?

If you are reading this it may be because you are feeling particularly alone this festive season and have googled ‘only child’ or ‘adult only’. My research highlighted that many adult onlies feel most alone at Christmas because they have no siblings or even parents to share it with. For others, who do not have a partner or children, Christmas can feel very lonely. I know after my parents’ died, and I was divorced and both children spent some time with their father over Christmas I often felt quite cut off from the ‘family gatherings’ of other people. I always tried to find others in the same position, to share these times together, and that certainly helps. However it is not always possible, so I am keeping in mind those people who do not have family to be with at this seasonal family time. I also know from my experience [...]

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Are parents of an only child more affected by their death? Seoul, South Korea ‘This Morning’ Programme

I had this very interesting request to do an interview for a radio station in South Korea. You can listen to it here. You will need to scroll down to 3rd July: Only Child Anxiety. The reason for the interview was a result of a recent series of accidents in Korea which have led parents worried about the safety of their children. The anxiety has been worse for mothers with an only child. Some apparently get so depressed they are not able to carry out their everyday lives. This has been particularly true for mothers who have sent their only son to the military following the tragic shooting incident at the GOP. Of course when anyone looses a child they are devastated so in that sense it is the same for all parents whether they have one child or several. However, when you have only one child it can feel particularly [...]

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All By Yourself?

Bernice: I was very pleased to receive this email after my last post – it made me smile and I hope it will do the same for you! S: “Reading all these only child observations, makes me laugh… I was an only child growing up in the 60′s and 70′s. Between Dr. Spock’s book and a community of many multiple children families, it wasn’t easy for me. There is glaring envy/ jealousy from children that come from large families and who perceive onlies as “having it all’. We had a large extended family so I NEVER realized I was an only until I went to school. As years went on, I have always found children of large families to be cruel to each other. They never appreciate their siblings as someone you will have the rest of your life. As adults, most have no contact with the cruel siblings for [...]

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The Idyllic Life of the Only-Child?

As a response to my last post, I received this email (I have removed some of the more offensive parts). “My father had 7 siblings but had abusive parents, to this day none of the siblings are in touch with each other due to their childhood. My mother is an only child and has loving parents, I never once heard her complain about being an only.  My daughter will be an only and I hope to God she does not have that pathetic chip on her shoulder like some only adult children do. You make your own life in this world don’t blame it on not having siblings.  All I can say to only children, would you rather have abusive parents but had a sibling! Would that have completed your life? Really? Or would you chose having parents that loved you over a sibling?” This was sent from a mother [...]

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Are you the ‘author’ of your life?

I have recently received several emails from parents of onlies and from people in the later stages of life, a time when we re-evaluate how we have lived our lives. It is interesting how often people, at this stage, become more cognisant of the effect growing up an only child has had on their life choices. Similarly parents’ of an only child may notice with each year, the subtle differences in behaviour etc. their child displays in social situations, compared to children with siblings. In this post I am going to explore some of these issues from both sides of the fence! And a quick thank you to all those who have written to me in the last few months, your emails certainly stimulate my thoughts! Growing up an only child can be both positive and negative and is often a mixture of the two. From a therapeutic perspective it [...]

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Radio Interview on Late Night Graham Torrington: BBC Radio West Midlands

Last night I spoke to Graham Torrington on the subject ‘Are Only Children Lonely Children?’ Graham is one of five siblings so it is always interesting to have his perspective, especially as his mother was an only. If you would like to listen to the BBC Interview it may take a minute or so to load! I think it is important, when I am interviewed, not to be drawn into absolute statements particularly those which suggest only child experience  is all good or all bad. I believe all experience can be seen along a spectrum and I try to show this in the examples I give. In particular I challenge the so called only child syndrome and the only child stereotype without falling into the trap of dismissing it without any real argument to the contrary. As only children we all suffer from the view of  the spoilt  lonely, dis-functional, only child but as [...]

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Is it better for children to have siblings? (BBC 4 Today programme Aug 22nd)

Yesterday, I was asked my opinion, by a number of radio programmes. This was because of  Sky news presenter and father of six, Colin Brazier’s new book: “Sticking up for Siblings’; published yesterday by Civitas (Institute for Civil Society). In fact I did a very brief interview for Radio 4 Today programme. (Unfortunately not one of my better interviews due to a 30 second delay feedback of my own voice made it impossible to think very clearly!) The BBC news article: Is it better for children to have siblings? has a brief over-view of the book. I was pleasantly surprised that the importance of sibling relationships was being advocated in Colin Brazier’s book. Similarly the economic argument  COTS (cost of a sibling) that the long term cost of a child is £250,000 is challenged by Child Poverty Action Group and the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, bringing it down to a mere £150,000. [...]

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Stories through the decades

I note with both interest  and a great deal of pleasure that I have received a number of emails after my recent posts on the characteristic of adult onlies, as partners. Not just from adult onlies but also their partners. I am now going to post some of the former as they offer more insights into the range of only child experience to both onlies and non-onlies! You will soon see familiar themes! I believe other people’s stories help us to feel more comfortable with our own experience. When you  have no siblings to share your memories, and you move into middle age, there is often no one to help you remember incidents from your early life or share and compare experiences. I think this often leaves onlies feeling separate and apart from others and this, I believe, becomes greater the older we get, especially after the death of our parents. [...]

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