Bernice’s Posts

Is being independent such a good thing?

Western culture and American culture particularly prizes the independent personality – the man and presumably woman – who can get on with his/her own life, make his/her own decisions, be self–sufficient, go it alone, beholden to know one. Only children can be brought up to be particularly independent, sometimes by design, at other times a result of being on the periphery of their parent/s relationship. (The opposite, of course, is the only child who is overly protected, coddled and who is anything but self – sufficient – however this post is not about them!) Learning to be independent is a good thing as we cannot expect to rely on someone all of the time – this has been a problem with some Chinese only children who have been so cocooned from the harsh realities of life that they often have a sense of entitlement which makes living with others hard. [...]

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Do only children know how to share?

Lets face it – this is something that only children are often accused of being bad at! But is it true? – To a certain extent it probably is. If we look at when and how we learn to share – this is done as children, usually in the family home. When there are siblings, it is one of the important processes siblings learn to deal with: learning to share toys, games, food, treats etc. It is a very different process for the only child learning to share with a parent. Parents’ are much more likely to be indulgent. They are not going to make a fuss if they don’t get the cherry on the top or the larger piece of cake. Having said that, some parents of an only child are very mindful of these things. However  it is still not the same as sharing with a vociferous older [...]

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Over 3000 visits a month!

I am very heartened that so many people are now visiting this website which has not even been going a year. Our readership has now increased to 3000 a month! I am very curious to see how many non-onlies are using this site.  That is not to say I am not grateful that people who are not only children are interested to read what I am posting. It does seem though that it is mostly people who have had a relationship with an only that are contributing. I am interested in their comments, and pleased that my posts have helped them to understand only child behaviours from a different point of view than perhaps they have been able to see before. I also understand from other posts, that some people see the distinction between onlies and non onlies as superficial. However I think it is important to realise that the [...]

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So how does the only child adult deal with conflict?

This is one of the issues that I have read many times in emails from adult only children. Most of us – and I include myself in this – do not find conflict an easy thing to deal with or negotiate successfully. Many of us have a tendency to avoid it almost at any cost. This can be achieved in a number of ways like: turning the other cheek, pretending we are not upset really, or just sulking. The continuum stretches from complete avoidance to out bursts of fury and hostility. What we find much more difficult, is to be calm, negotiate and find a win – win solution. As a child in a family with no siblings we did not have the opportunities to row, be angry and fall out with children of a similar age. Being angry with a parent is a very different matter. If parents’  are [...]

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Cutting the Ties

How to cut the ties and become independent In a previous post: Do you need to seperate psychologically from your parents? I offered some questions to ask yourself. Now here are some answers to enable you to cut the ties! One of the difficulties of separation is that it takes two: child and parent. It is very hard for an adolescent to separate if the parent makes it difficult to do so becasue they fear losing the child to adulthood. A parent who does not want to let go emotionally and allow their child to develop as an individual and separate psychologically in adulthood makes it extremely difficult for that process to happen. Pressure can be subtle or otherwise to discourage separation and you may be told that you are selfish or unkind if you to want that psychological space. This is particularly difficult for the adult only who holds [...]

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Do you need to seperate psychologically from your parents?

  Ask yourself the following questions:   As an adult when dealing with a parent/parents’: Do you find it difficult to say ‘No’? Do you feel pressure to keep in contact frequently? Do you feel you have to keep your opinions to yourself? Do you feel angry with a parent but are not sure why? Can you say ‘I am not spending Christmas with you this year?’ and not feel guilty? Do you feel manipulated into doing things? Do you feel more responsible than your friends feel towards their parent’s? Can you hold a different opinion from your parent’s and feel it is accepted? Are you able to go away on holiday?  and not stay in touch? and not feel guilty? Do you rely on their financial support, or gifts (wanted or otherwise)? Are you still living with a parent – is it your choice? Do you feel responsible for [...]

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Only Child Stigma – how do we compensate?

This is an interesting email which demonstrates that even we are aware of the stigma of being an only child and do everything to compensate for those ‘narcissistic’ tendencies which we all apparently have!  – Its hard to break people’s perception or expectations however hard we try…… Hi there Bernice. I was really impressed with the only child site. I am a 24 year old only who grew up with a single mother diagnosed with manic depression. I have a half brother, and moved home when I was 17 now I’m about to graduate from an art degree. I have been through complete hell with my apparent  ’narcissism’  and I feel that this has been the perception that many have of me – despite running marathons and partaking in all kinds of crazy events for charity, working on a help line, being a carer and supporting myself and while being extremely [...]

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Why are only children more prone to enmeshment than sibling children?

One-child families have a higher than normal incidence of what is sometimes called ‘emotional incest’, which can lead to an enmeshed relationship. When there is no other child to dilute the intensity of the parent-child bond everything about the only child is watched closely, including their health, physical development, school performance, talents, weaknesses, and achievements to an extent that can be obsessive. Parental enmeshment is more common because there is only one child to focus upon and more detrimental as there is no other child to dilute this attention. The power and intensity of the relationship can be overwhelming and prevent the child from developing a sense of who they are as a separate individual. How does enmeshment occur? Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself.   Enmeshment occurs when a mother or father’s wounded-ness contaminates their ability to parent their child because [...]

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Why can only children find it difficult to ‘separate’ from their parents’?

In this post I am looking at one of the difficulties some only children have as they grow to develop as an individual in their own right, with a sense of an autonomous self. This differentiation form parent figures is a requirement for all children. Each child needs to separate psychologically from its parent, if not the parent-child relationship is characterised by a lack of separation emotionally, physically and financially. Often these three are combined, so it is not always that clear, and inevitably there is some overlap. When this occurs the child-parent relationship is one of enmeshment. What is enmeshment?: Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself. Whilst only children are not necessarily enmeshed with a parent(s), and equally enmeshment can be true of sibling children, there is a high incidence with the single child simply because of the intensity of the [...]

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