Do all adolescence feel lonely? Are elderly parents a problem for everyone?

I found your website when researching literature for my undergraduate psychology project regarding only children. I felt compelled to submit my experiences. I am an only child myself and have chosen to have one daughter. Growing up I thought that I felt lonely, but have subsequently wondered whether this is a feeling experienced by all adolescents and that, being an only child, there seems to be an obvious ‘reason’ for it. Having read some of the posts, especially those posted by teenagers, there seems to be a lot of recurring themes about issues with parents, too much time spent with them, or changes in the relationships that they have with them. Surely this is the case in most families when children reach that age? It certainly seems as though the negative is emphasised. So, to those people that are worried about things like their ageing parents and the responsibility which [...]

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Are parents from large families more likely to be enmeshed with their only child?

I was very happy to receive this email, its always nice to receive positive feedback so I thought I would share it. Despite having several times half written an ‘e’ version of my research, at present my one book is still very expensive which is sadly the case with academic books. My writer refers to a story about “Sofia” which illustrated the importance of witness in an onlies life, meaning an acknowledgment of the experience both positive and negative of growing up as an only child. “Today I was fortunate to read your book “Only-Child Experience and Adulthood”. What a great body of work! One part of the book that stood out most to me was Sofia’s story. You described how she had seen various therapists before, but you were the first to help her see herself in both an objective and subjective way. I can’t assume the birth orders [...]

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The Idyllic Life of an only child (part 2)

I have received a number of emails as a result of my post last year “The Idyllic Life of an only child” which I would like to share, although the emails were posted as a response on the webpage above. I particularly wanted to share this post  as it very balanced and makes useful points, specially around the impact of emotionally distant parents, in a thoughtful fashion. Hello everyone, I am an adult only and as I reflect on my childhood and teenage life with emotionally distant parents – who, in all honesty I believe didn’t plan for a baby, had no real solid careers each, and therefore probably didn’t really want one; in my father’s words “She (mother) wasn’t doing anything so she thought she would have you” – I can truly say that being ‘only’ HAS affected me negatively. I do not care (but am willing to listen [...]

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Are you a parent of an only-child teenager?

I wonder if anyone would be willing to help Ameerah Khadaroo with his Doctoral research? I think it is great when people want to research the lives and aspects of only-children, so if you are a parent of an only-child teenager, please read! Bernice Ameerah Khadaroo  writes: I am a PhD Psychology student at Warwick University and I am currently researching parenting of single-child and two-child families in the UK. This research will help to find out more about how families withonly children differ from those with more than one child during the teenage years. With growing numbers of couples having only one child, this would be important and relevant not just for parents and academics, but for all those who work with children. I am looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part by both the adolescent and the parents completing some online questionnaires. At a later date, some [...]

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Parent or Spouse – who comes first?

Bernice: I received this email, which I found very touching and shows the difficult dilemmas an adult only-child faces when they feel divided between a parent and a spouse. I have placed the dilemmas in the text first, and the life story after so people can understand the dilemmas in context. In my next post I will attempt to offer some understanding of the situation and possible ways forward. Dilemmas: My problem is that I don’t know how to split myself…. I need my mom in my life. I need her close to me; I need to see her every day. In fact, I see her every single day and if she is in Colombia we talk twice a day and if we don’t I feel guilty. I don’t know how to divide myself. I want to spend time with my mom, and if possible with my husband too (which if [...]

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All By Yourself?

Bernice: I was very pleased to receive this email after my last post – it made me smile and I hope it will do the same for you! S: “Reading all these only child observations, makes me laugh… I was an only child growing up in the 60′s and 70′s. Between Dr. Spock’s book and a community of many multiple children families, it wasn’t easy for me. There is glaring envy/ jealousy from children that come from large families and who perceive onlies as “having it all’. We had a large extended family so I NEVER realized I was an only until I went to school. As years went on, I have always found children of large families to be cruel to each other. They never appreciate their siblings as someone you will have the rest of your life. As adults, most have no contact with the cruel siblings for [...]

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A perspective from the 1960′s

Hi Bernice I am responding to your request for OC experiences. Hopefully my experiences will be of some support towards your research in understanding the many individual experiences and outcomes towards OC adults. My parents were both career minded people not wanting children until I accidentally came along well into their late thirties.  They were certainly ill equipped to have children, and were fairly set in their ways by this time, both extremely self absorbed people.  Both parents  had siblings and parents, and came from some level of dysfunction and anger on both sides. Losing parents early I lost both parents in my early 20s leaving me alone in the world, as a young mother, with no tools or social guidelines of how to reach out to others.  What amplifies my OC experience was that at their passings, although extended family existed, no connections had been made rendering  me completely alone [...]

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Only child of the 80′s

Here is another post of an only child, Lucy, describes growing up in the 80′s and some of the good and bad aspects of that experience. The significance of ageing parents is notable, especially as the relationship has at times been difficult, perhaps in part because of the older nature of the parents. I think this is a case of over-protective parenting. Whilst over-protective parenting may be seen as love it can also be detrimental to the separation process of a child from their parent. This shows itself in Lucy’s guilty feelings and difficulties in feeling okay about saying no to the pressure of being continually in contact and the sense of not being seen as an adult/grown-up either by them or by herself. Still there are lots of good things too – so have a read! Lucy: I’m a nearly 40 something only child which has had some good [...]

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A perspective from the 1990′s

I’m 15 years old and all my life I have hated being an only child.  I only had time to skim through a couple of your stories in the research section and the first two I read definitely stood out to me.  People always think I’m spoiled, but it’s not true at all and I often envy other people with siblings.  I think one time I was at the grocery store and I saw these two siblings fighting over something.  It was so cute how the little girl admired her brother so much and wanted to be just like him but at the same time was so mad at him for pushing her.  The next time I looked over she was holding his hand and he was pushing her away out of “embarrassment”.  I think I almost started crying right there and I’m not a very emotional person.  I knew [...]

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