February 2013

Relationships: Splitting – difficulties in holding ‘good’ and ‘bad’ simultaneously

One of the behaviours most of us have to learn as we grow up is to hold the good and the bad, whether it be with people, within ourselves or in relationships. ‘Splitting’ is the word usually used when a person is unable to hold both good and bad together in themselves.  What they do instead is accept the good and reject the bad: we only accept what we perceive are the good bits of ourselves and project onto others the bad bits. Similarly with partners we may only accept their ‘good’ parts and and expect them to change their ‘bad ‘parts. Maturity is when we can accept both good and bad in ourselves and others. Here is an example of splitting as an internal defense mechanism:  Jean, an only child, finds it difficult on occasions to bear her anger. When she grew up displaying anger was unacceptable in her family – she was expected to be the ”good girl”.  The reality is she can be nice and also not-so-nice. She can be [...]

Read more…

Please help me…I feel I have lost my best friend not just my lover

Hi there I have just stumbled upon your sight and I think it could be a lifesaver. I have been in a relationship with an only child for the past 3 years we life separately but have been taking about marriage and kids for the past year. Everything was perfect I felt that we really wanted the same things and understood each other. My mother is a widow as is his and as both my siblings live abroad I have all the responsibility of taking care of her travelling over 2 hours each weekend to see her. Because he has the same thing to deal with I was overjoyed that I found someone that understood. I have met his mum and I love her to bits. He turned 39 last week, we had a perfect night out and kept discussing our years plans going so far as booking a weekend away in April. Last Thursday night he called over and said [...]

Read more…