It is hard to know if being an only is what has made me the way I am or is it just emotional problems stemming from many experiences in my life. I do however, know this; I despise being an only and have pictured in my minds eye, the concept of having a brother or sister to the point that I really think (for a second) I could feel what it “felt” like to have that. Sounds a bit crazy, but is true. It has brought me to tears.
I find I feel very lonely, especially when other friendships OR relationships are not meeting my needs. Both of my parents (in there late 50″s) have health problems that I bear wastefully on my shoulders alone. People with siblings insist ONE always ends up doing “the work” anyway. They are still not alone, but I appreciate their effort to down play an onlies misery.
I find that I am one extreme or the other. I am either hating to be alone and am clingy and needy, but the next day, I want my boyfriend to just go away as he is suffocating me. I do cherish my time alone. It is as though I “Need ” myself to talk to and spend time with, if you interrupt that, I am going to be short with you. I dread the day I lose my divorced parents, as I am very close to them both (of course!)
I have been lucky to have them and all the things they have given me in my life. They are my life. That scares me. It scares me to think when I am 70, I dont have a 72 or 62 year old sister to go to the beauty salon with. I feel short changed (not envious) when I see the interaction of my friends with their siblings. I found it hard in my marriage to a first born, as I sat around the dinner table with his mother, father, sister and brother and listened to them go on and on detailing all these funny, memorable times that they had spent together at home on rainy days, after school, or on a family vacation. Three just doesn’t seem like a family. It seems like a secret meeting of minds. However, that was short lived as well. Mom and dad divorced by the time I turned eleven and I clung to the memories that were made for a very long time, even still, I do.
Well, my marriage failed and now I have a beautiful son whom I cherish. He is two and a half. I am extremely selfish and look for quick fixes (that new handbag will fix my sadness!) Its strange, I find myself upset when my boyfriend doesn’t stay the night with me, but I feel much to stifled when he does one too many nights. Tired and signing off, a lonely only in the US.