May 2011

Do you need to separate psychologically from your parents?

Ask yourself the following questions: As an adult when dealing with a parent/s: Do you find it difficult to say ‘No’? Do you feel pressure to keep in contact frequently? Do you feel you have to keep your opinions to yourself? Do you feel angry with a parent but are not sure why? Can you say ‘I am not spending Christmas with you this year?’ and not feel guilty? Do you feel manipulated into doing things? Do you feel more responsible than your friends feel towards their parent’s? Can you hold a different opinion from your parent’s and feel it is accepted? Are you able to go away on holiday?  and not stay in touch? and not feel guilty? Do you rely on their financial support, or gifts (wanted or otherwise)? Are you still living with a parent – is it your choice? Do you feel responsible for you parent’s [...]

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What are the issues for adult onlies?

I’m a 31 year old only child (female).  I had lots of friends and I can’t remember ever feeling lonely, like other people on your site. I always found it easy to make friends when I was at school and growing up. I still have a good group of very close (mainly female) friends and we are a bit of a urban family in London. However, now I’m single in my 30s after one long relationship in my 20s and I am of the mind set that I’m better off on my own – I don’t know if this is because of being an only child? I feel like what’s the point of trusting a man to make you happy, I’m better off on my own.  I can spend time (and often need to be) on my own quite happily, unlike most of my friends who seem to crave constant company.  I also try not to rely on anyone, too much (in case they [...]

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Only Child Stigma – how do we compensate?

This is an interesting email which demonstrates that even we are aware of the stigma of being an only child and do everything to compensate for those ‘narcissistic’ tendencies which we all apparently have!  – Its hard to break people’s perception or expectations however hard we try…… Hi there Bernice. I was really impressed with the only child site. I am a 24 year old only who grew up with a single mother diagnosed with manic depression. I have a half brother, and moved home when I was 17 now I’m about to graduate from an art degree. I have been through complete hell with my apparent  ’narcissism’  and I feel that this has been the perception that many have of me – despite running marathons and partaking in all kinds of crazy events for charity, working on a help line, being a carer and supporting myself and while being extremely [...]

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Why are only children more prone to enmeshment than sibling children?

One-child families have a higher than normal incidence of what is sometimes called ‘emotional incest’, which can lead to an enmeshed relationship. When there is no other child to dilute the intensity of the parent-child bond everything about the only child is watched closely, including their health, physical development, school performance, talents, weaknesses, and achievements to an extent that can be obsessive. Parental enmeshment is more common because there is only one child to focus upon and more detrimental as there is no other child to dilute this attention. The power and intensity of the relationship can be overwhelming and prevent the child from developing a sense of who they are as a separate individual. How does enmeshment occur? Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself.   Enmeshment occurs when a mother or father’s wounded-ness contaminates their ability to parent their child because [...]

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Being an Only – carries a Stigma – socially.

You see – because I was brought up as ‘an Only Child’ (I am a surviving twin) there is an assumption, generally, that (a) I was spoilt (b) I don’t know how to share (c) I don’t know how to mix.  Oh if those who make these assumptions  – ‘knew’ of the inner and private ‘pain’!! None of these is actually correct.  I enjoy meeting other people, learning about their personalities etc., and as for ‘sharing’ maybe I have ‘compensated’ a little too much in this way, by causing myself to become ‘victim’ to those who have ‘taken advantage’.  Most of all – the one very absolute thing that both angers and hurts comes from the lips of those goodly souls – with ‘a thousand brothers and sisters’ –who take it upon themselves to ‘declare’  - “of course, you are an ONLY child, aren’t you”.  The way in which this [...]

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Life Stages: Early School Years

In my previous post we saw that having well attuned parents in early childhood and opportunities to mix with other children, can ensure the only child will not be at a disadvantage in social and psychological development. This continues to be true once a child begins school as they will be able to continue to develop trust and autonomy from the first life-stage as well as initiative and industry as they grow older. Whilst children with siblings have learned a good deal of interaction with each other; optimally only children will also have been given similar opportunities. However recent research has estimated that on average siblings spend about 33% of their free time with a sibling (Time Magazine 2006) which the article states is considerable more time than they spend with either parents, friends, and teachers or even alone. As a sibling they have acted as playmate, collaborator, co-conspirator, tormentor, [...]

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Life Stages: Adolescence

In the Early Childhood Stage, we looked at some of the challenges the only child may face when moving into the world of school. We saw these difficulties were by no means inevitable but were common for those only children who had not experienced much peer interaction in their early life, or had parents who found it difficult to separate from their own emotional needs to fulfil the emotional needs of their child. Adolescence is the time when ‘ego identity’ needs to be achieved: this means knowing who you are and how you fit into the rest of society. Peer groups are particularly significant at this stage as they allow for peer identity to emerge through interaction with others and provide the support for the move from childhood to adulthood by separating emotionally from parents. This is why being able to have other children to interact with at an early [...]

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