Loneliness as a child
in relationships
in life
It also strikes me
I feel I have always had to cope
There was no-one
to share with as a child
everything fell on my shoulders.
It’s very claustrophobic
there wasn’t any way out
there wasn’t anywhere to go
really trapped in a way
I couldn’t bypass them
I couldn’t get anywhere
without going through either mum or dad
I always felt if there’d been two of us
it would have been so easy
I think it’s affected my confidence in myself
I was so isolated
it’s narrowed my experience of being a child
in the way I feel –
I very much lived in an adult world
a lost, lonely figure
is the image I now see
No-one to be a child with
It was kind of not feeling met
at my own pace and space
Not having space to express myself
There was so much intensity
a lot of the time
So for me the being ordinary
was a real sense of realisation and freedom –
being like other people
belonging and not having to be special…
Something that I really valued
about being an only child
is I’ve kept some continuity
of dreaming experiences
and imagination into my adult life –
I didn’t have to test it against other kids
I never had to lose it
I have quite a long memory of childhood
books and images and thoughts
dreams and things
when both my parents go
it’s just me in the world
that’s another reason why
I think my personal life
more important than a career