February 2011

Research in the West and China: Are only children different?

Part 1 In my previous post I looked at the roots of the negative stereotype. Prior to the 20th century the large family was the cultural norm. Having a lot of children was preferable because of high infant mortality and the lack of social benefit for the elderly. The more children you had were a guarantee, that as you became older, there might be someone to look after you. Farming communities in particular, knew it was beneficial to have many children to help with the numerous jobs required. The industrial revolution changed this somewhat, as more mouths to feed did not necessarily generate more food unless everyone had work. It was only when birth control was both more effective and freely available that this situation changed. Now people had a choice about the number of children they had, but the deep-seated idea that having many children was ‘God’s will’ remained. [...]

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Why can only children find it difficult to ‘separate’ from their parents’?

    In this post I am looking at one of the difficulties some only children have as they grow to develop as an individual in their own right, with a sense of an autonomous self. This differentiation from parent figures is a requirement for all children. Each child needs to separate psychologically from its parent, if not the parent-child relationship is characterised by a lack of separation emotionally, physically and financially. Often these three are combined, so it is not always that clear, and inevitably there is some overlap. When this occurs the child-parent relationship is one of enmeshment. What is enmeshment?: Enmeshment is literally – giving yourself away to another – living outside of yourself. Whilst only children are not necessarily enmeshed with a parent(s), and equally enmeshment can be true of sibling children, there is a high incidence with the single child simply because of the intensity [...]

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My experience of being an only

Loneliness as a child in relationships in life It also strikes me I feel I have always had to cope There was no-one to share with as a child everything fell on my shoulders. It’s very claustrophobic there wasn’t any way out there wasn’t anywhere to go really trapped in a way I couldn’t bypass them I couldn’t get anywhere without going through either mum or dad I always felt if there’d been two of us it would have been so easy I think it’s affected my confidence in myself I was so isolated it’s narrowed my experience of being a child in the way I feel – I very much lived in an adult world a lost, lonely figure is the image I now see No-one to be a child with It was kind of not feeling met at my own pace and space Not having space to express [...]

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On Surviving the Stigma workshop

As part of the workshop statements were made which we would like to convey to others about the experience of being an only. To others: I would like you to know that being an only child is lonely and scary but when you grow up you have the resources to do something about it. (Janice) To my father: I would like my father to know I am not him but I am me, comfortable with my thoughts and feelings and proud of who I am. (Linda) To my parents: I want you to know that I am who I am – a separate identifiable person who has his own thoughts and ways of being, who is what he is and is not going to change for you. (David) To others Please don’t take any aspect of the relationship for granted or assume – acknowledge ME! (Lesley) To friends: I’ll never [...]

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I’m not the only one!

I think it was the first time I had actually sat down with a group of professionals who were only children, and we talked about what it was like. I think what stood out for me, it kept ringing in my head: ‘God I’m not the only one, I’m not the only one who feels this’ and it was a revelation really. And what happened in the workshop, was that we spent time on our own in different configurations, and then I think we all sat in the middle and said what it was like to be in that position in the family. What I remember was that… when we spoke about how it was, like it was a revelation to the whole group. I remember people saying :‘God it sounds like hell being an only child’ and that really was like the recognition from other people, from other positions, [...]

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