I am a male only child and at forty years of age can look back on my life and say it has played a part in at least ninety percent of it. I was married very young had two beautiful daughters but sadly the marriage was rocky, mostly my fault, I left and the work I was in took me to another country. I kept in constant contact with the kids and between my traveling back and they coming over we are very close, but I have an overpowering feeling of guilt at having left them. The girl I’m with now is the love of my life, we tried to have kids but to no success, this is affecting me more than her. My want of children and thinking that without them it cant be a home has threatened our relationship.
I can relate to most of your e-mails as I to have the numbing feeling of loneliness even with the person you love that you could never explain to her, that horrible feeling of envy at other peoples families that you shouldn’t feel, the lack of confidence, the making up of stories of your childhood to try to fit the norm, Ive had three fits of depression that I can attribute to it, even dreading Christmas and other family occasions cause you don’t feel you deserve to celebrate them, there is also the fear of the future that hard to shake, but if you ask other people they would not believe all this about me they think I’m just a normal guy and I usually am but it all seems to be coming to a head, I would love to hear from other people in the same boat and find is there a way to turn all this bad energy around to make it work for you.