I’m 23, and an only. I was searching through the articles as I am curious about my extreme need to be detached from my only parent but could not find anything relating to this in your posts. From my understanding many onlies are super attached to their parents. I am the only child of a single mother. My father had a stroke when I was 2 and I helped care for him from 3 to 6. Then he was moved into a nursing home because my mother couldn’t care for him anymore. Now as a young adult I look back and realize from when I was 15 up to present I am very detached from mom. Almost to the point of annoyance any time she contacts me. I mentioned 15 particularly because when I was 15 my mother and her boyfriend got into a drunken argument that resulted in them fighting and him going to bed. She proceeded to get [...]
Bernice: Here are two emails from different parts of the world, both have families and are happy but have had challenges as only-children. A Female only: I am profoundly deaf, age 45 and loving partner with 2 teenagers and a baby. I live in Essex, my father passed away 12 years ago and my mum live in Warwickshire. I’m an only child which I do hate be an only child and often find lonely. It’s took me long time to realise what kind of my mum is and I think my mum might be a Narcissistic because for example my mum and her sister are looking after my grandmother whose have dementia. This week my aunt is away in holiday so I asked mum can she come over to see me because mum haven’t meet my 3 months old daughter yet. So mum said mum is unwell with ear pain, long term sinus and piles which she claimed the nurse [...]
I found your website when researching literature for my undergraduate psychology project regarding only children. I felt compelled to submit my experiences. I am an only child myself and have chosen to have one daughter. Growing up I thought that I felt lonely, but have subsequently wondered whether this is a feeling experienced by all adolescents and that, being an only child, there seems to be an obvious ‘reason’ for it. Having read some of the posts, especially those posted by teenagers, there seems to be a lot of recurring themes about issues with parents, too much time spent with them, or changes in the relationships that they have with them. Surely this is the case in most families when children reach that age? It certainly seems as though the negative is emphasised. So, to those people that are worried about things like their ageing parents and the responsibility which [...]
Saturday 19th March 2016 Trainer: Dr Bernice Sorensen Venue: Training Room, City Coast Centre, Portslade (Brighton & Hove), BN41 1DG Schedule: 10am to 4.30pm (Registration at 9.45am) Course Fee: £114 including ample lunch, all refreshments, and CPD Certificate Bernice will offer an experiential workshop looking at elements of the only-child experience. She will share findings from her research that have direct relevance to therapy and supervision, such as the importance of ‘witness’ when parents have died and there are no siblings to share memories; and the sense of isolation some only children can feel. As an only child herself she has spent the last 15 years collecting stories from other adult only-children across the world via her website. From these she is able to give a sense of the challenges of growing up an only child, and more significantly how this can impact the person during their life span, specifically in later life. [...]
I was very happy to receive this email, its always nice to receive positive feedback so I thought I would share it. Despite having several times half written an ‘e’ version of my research, at present my one book is still very expensive which is sadly the case with academic books. My writer refers to a story about “Sofia” which illustrated the importance of witness in an onlies life, meaning an acknowledgment of the experience both positive and negative of growing up as an only child. “Today I was fortunate to read your book “Only-Child Experience and Adulthood”. What a great body of work! One part of the book that stood out most to me was Sofia’s story. You described how she had seen various therapists before, but you were the first to help her see herself in both an objective and subjective way. I can’t assume the birth orders [...]
I have received a number of emails as a result of my post last year “The Idyllic Life of an only child” which I would like to share, although the emails were posted as a response on the webpage above. I particularly wanted to share this post as it very balanced and makes useful points, specially around the impact of emotionally distant parents, in a thoughtful fashion. Hello everyone, I am an adult only and as I reflect on my childhood and teenage life with emotionally distant parents – who, in all honesty I believe didn’t plan for a baby, had no real solid careers each, and therefore probably didn’t really want one; in my father’s words “She (mother) wasn’t doing anything so she thought she would have you” – I can truly say that being ‘only’ HAS affected me negatively. I do not care (but am willing to listen [...]
I wonder if anyone would be willing to help Ameerah Khadaroo with his Doctoral research? I think it is great when people want to research the lives and aspects of only-children, so if you are a parent of an only-child teenager, please read! Bernice Ameerah Khadaroo writes: I am a PhD Psychology student at Warwick University and I am currently researching parenting of single-child and two-child families in the UK. This research will help to find out more about how families withonly children differ from those with more than one child during the teenage years. With growing numbers of couples having only one child, this would be important and relevant not just for parents and academics, but for all those who work with children. I am looking for families with children aged 11-14 to take part by both the adolescent and the parents completing some online questionnaires. At a later date, some [...]
There are many ways and times we as only-child adults can feel alone. In childhood it is often the lack of a sibling that brings about feelings of aloneness. ‘Tina’ writes how this gap can be filled by only-child friends or cousins which, as a result, can feel particularly important to us. However what happens if you find this close only-child now finds that they have a sibling they did not know about? How would it affect you? Or your other close relationships? I know from my research, that when one only child married to another, suddenly found that her husband had three siblings, she felt extremely rejected. He was over the moon but even years later she finds it difficult to accept this completely new position both she and he has – especially as she has always wanted siblings herself. Of course often the greatest feeling of aloneness is [...]
When an only child marries an only child, and then has one child, the situation can seem quite isolating for that child. I know as an only, married to an only, this was behind my decision to have a second child. I also have learned that for many people having a second child is often prompted by the feeling that an only child will be alone in the world once the parents die. However this is not the end of the story. I have friends who are adult onlies, who have chosen to find other onlies to make friends with, to support each other over the ups and downs of parents ageing and the inevitable sense of loss when they are gone. I received this email, which I think sounds like a good idea, to create a group of friends etc. to support a son who is an only child. [...]
We have recently had a number of posts from parents of onlies and also some onlies themselves, who have not been particularly happy about being the only child in the family. I thought I would post some of my own thoughts and experiences to add to this discussion. I believe the only-child experience, that is growing up with no siblings with whom to interact is a different one. Whilst it is not unique it is still different to one where a child has the opportunity to grow up with siblings. Siblings like parents, mirror you and teach you things about yourself. Parents primarily engage with us in caring ways, and model adult aspects of behaviour and emotional intelligence. From this we can learn to grow up and mature and also have the image of ourselves as warm, confident, and loving people, as this is what has hopefully been mirrored to [...]
