Bernice: I received this email which resonated very much with me because ‘watching’ people was something I did from a very young age. I also used to have imaginary conversation with them whilst they were talking to someone else. I was very shy as a child so found it hard just to speak to peers so this was a way of observing conversation with out the necessity of actually taking the risk to enter into it! I was fascinated by large families and yes envied them to some extent mostly the fact they could all play board games together and not like me, playing on my own. However I am also aware tht as I grew older having a sibling seemed less interesting possibility as I became more ware of some of the advantages, mostly economic, that I benefited from. However when I finally did my research on adult only [...]
Western culture and American culture particularly prizes the independent personality – the man and presumably woman – who can get on with his/her own life, make his/her own decisions, be self–sufficient, go it alone, beholden to know one. Only children can be brought up to be particularly independent, sometimes by design, at other times a result of being on the periphery of their parent/s relationship. (The opposite, of course, is the only child who is overly protected, coddled and who is anything but self – sufficient – however this post is not about them!) Learning to be independent is a good thing as we cannot expect to rely on someone all of the time – this has been a problem with some Chinese only children who have been so cocooned from the harsh realities of life that they often have a sense of entitlement which makes living with others hard. [...]
Bernice continues her discussion of Life Stages from the perspective of the only-child adult. After the Young adult life -stage, which is concerned with making relationships and settling down, we move into the middle-adult, life-stage. Middle adulthood is the time when we are actively involved in generativity. This is about helping the next generation and could be through raising children or contributing to the welfare of future generations through paid or voluntary work, or even perhaps in some other way. However it is also at this stage that many only children and non onlies, find themselves caring for elderly parents. My research suggests that this phase of caring for elderly parents is particularly challenging for onlies, who often have strong feelings of responsibility toward parents’ and at the same time no siblings to share these feelings with. It also means that for some only-children the projected responsibility of elderly parents [...]
Lets face it – this is something that only children are often accused of being bad at! But is it true? – To a certain extent it probably is. If we look at when and how we learn to share – this is done as children, usually in the family home. When there are siblings, it is one of the important processes siblings learn to deal with: learning to share toys, games, food, treats etc. It is a very different process for the only child learning to share with a parent. Parents’ are much more likely to be indulgent. They are not going to make a fuss if they don’t get the cherry on the top or the larger piece of cake. Having said that, some parents of an only child are very mindful of these things. However it is still not the same as sharing with a vociferous older [...]
I am very heartened that so many people are now visiting this website which has not even been going a year. Our readership has now increased to 3000 a month! I am very curious to see how many non-onlies are using this site. That is not to say I am not grateful that people who are not only children are interested to read what I am posting. It does seem though that it is mostly people who have had a relationship with an only that are contributing. I am interested in their comments, and pleased that my posts have helped them to understand only child behaviours from a different point of view than perhaps they have been able to see before. I also understand from other posts, that some people see the distinction between onlies and non onlies as superficial. However I think it is important to realise that the [...]
Since I posted Durango’s article on only child syndrome there has been quite a lot of response – so I thought I would post some of my research and thoughts. The word syndrome taken from the Greek word ‘sundromos’ meaning ‘running together’, is used for a group of symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease or psychological disorder, and can be attributed to a distinctive or characteristic pattern of behaviour. The strong medical connotations and the negative meaning usually attached to the word syndrome makes the word emotive and in many ways derogatory to the experience of the only-child. However I will explore this so called ‘syndrome’ from only child literature, popular ideas and prejudice. Shil1978 wrote in ‘Pros and Cons of Being The Only Child’: The advantages could be that you get the undivided love and attention of your parents. They would dote on you more and [...]
One the both interesting and frustrating aspects of only child research is the conflicting data that emerges. On the one hand there are many like Polit and Falbo who believe their studies have shown little difference between children with siblings and only children, and others who say that only children have greater advantages because of so much parental attention. While others dwell on the popular stereotype of the maladapted, socially inept, lonely only. Looking at the research on only-children over several decades Rosenberg & Hyde (1993) have attempted to account for the conflicting data by suggesting only-children are not a homogeneous group. After summarising the inconsistencies in the previous research they suggest there are two opposing theoretical views: The first view emphasises the uniqueness of onlies who are never dethroned and have all the parental attention and are advantaged. The second view states onlies suffer deprivation from lack of siblings [...]
This is one of the issues that I have read many times in emails from adult only children. Most of us – and I include myself in this – do not find conflict an easy thing to deal with or negotiate successfully. Many of us have a tendency to avoid it almost at any cost. This can be achieved in a number of ways like: turning the other cheek, pretending we are not upset really, or just sulking. The continuum stretches from complete avoidance to out bursts of fury and hostility. What we find much more difficult, is to be calm, negotiate and find a win – win solution. As a child in a family with no siblings we did not have the opportunities to row, be angry and fall out with children of a similar age. Being angry with a parent is a very different matter. If parents’ are [...]
Rise of the Onlies – A feature length documentary After making her first documentary Seeking Happily Ever After Michelle Cove understood the blood, sweat, tears that go into taking on such a project. She vowed she was done with films—unless something truly irresistible came up. Then the idea struck: Michelle, mom to an only child by choice, became fascinated by the world of one-child families, the fastest growing family type in the U.S. (She is filming only in the U.S. but plans to seek international distribution.) So once again, Michelle picked up her video camera and started shooting her next feature-length documentary Rise of the Onlies (www.riseoftheonlies.com). In this feature-length film, Michelle will be exploring what stereotypes of only children still exist, why they persist, and which can be debunked; what, if any, generalizations CAN be made about only children; and how others can understand what is quickly becoming the [...]
Here is the next in the series I have written on life stages of the only child. Previous ones are: Infancy; Early School Years and Adolescence. We saw that adolescence is characterised by forming an identity, separate from parent ideals and expectations. Young adulthood is characterised by achieving some degree of intimacy through relationships, as opposed to remaining in isolation. Children with siblings spend more time together and relatively little time alone, thus giving them many opportunities to be with another human being of a similar age and stage. (it is believed approximately 33% of the day siblings interact with one another). This is very different for the only-child who has probably spent their 33% of time on their own, playing with toys, imaginary friends or pets. Whilst this gives them useful experience of being alone and finding ways to amuse themselves, the detrimental side is that it is not [...]
